Obedience

A few months ago I had asked God to change me and to help me forgive someone. It was a prayer I didn't think God would take me serious on, but He did. I'll explain more about that but first I want to talk about this past weekend.

 

This past weekend I went on the Vine retreat not expecting God to work on me. I went thinking I was only going to serve. On one of the nights (or day... my sense of time was all messed up over there...) Devi Titus gave a message about rebellion, and for the first time I realized I had it in me. God pounded on my heart with that message. And while everyone else was celebrating their freedom and breakthroughs, I just couldn't. Instead I prayed "don't let me stay the same..." over and over again. I was afraid that my conviction was only going to be a feeling instead of a reason to change. The last thing I wanted to do was to go home and "pick up where I left off" with things. I wanted to go home and start all over again.

 

Now to cover more about the first part I mentioned...

 

After I had asked God to change me, my little 8-year-old brother, Peter came to live with us. For the past few months I've felt like a mother. I get him up and ready, I take him to school, I pick him up, I feed him, I wash his clothes, I help him with his homework, I take him with me places, I make sure he showers... Basically, everything. Come to today, I was having a very difficult time with Peter. He wasn't listening to me and only kept mocking me. The more he rebelled, the more frustrated I got. Not even just frustrated, but actually hurt. Finally, I went to my bedroom and just cried. Not just because he wasn't listening to me (and hasn't been for the past few months...), but because I was reminded of how I treated my mom when I was a kid/teen. During my school days, I can honestly say most of the memories I had with my mom were of her yelling at me. Yelling at me to get out of bed, yelling at me to do my homework, yelling at me to go to bed... right down to even yelling at me to get in the car to go to school. Even with all her yelling though, I STILL never listened to her. I got in such a bad habit of never doing my homework and staying up all night that it finally caught up with me. Not only did I fail seventh grade, but I was asked not to come back to my school anymore because of my grades. (Yes, private schools do that...)

 

As of right now, I don't have an education higher than a 7th grade level. To be honest, I don't know if my education is even at THAT, considing I didn't pay attention in class or do my homework for the last two years of school. To sum all that up, disobedience basically ruined my education. I realize it's not too late to redeem my education, but that's beside my point.

 

I was broken by my disobedience through all these years. Not only toward my mom, but toward God. At the time I was a kid, I had no idea what my future would look like. My mom had an idea because she was better experienced. She knew the importance of school. I see it the same way with God... He KNOWS our future. I don't think He's stating it lightly when He says "I KNOW the plans I have for you..." (Jeremiah 29:11). He's giving us a reason to stay obedient to Him, to follow Him, and to trust in HIS understanding; not our own. (Proverbs 3:5)

 

Disobedience comes from selfishness. Disobedience comes when our focus is only on us. It's shutting out all other knowledge, all other wisdom, all other understanding, all other experience. It's focusing on "the cravings of our sinful nature", it's doing EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what Proverbs 3:5 says and it's leaning ONLY on our own understanding! For if we had even the slightest understanding of the future that God has for us, we wouldn't do the stupid things we do! We disobey because we don't understand. We don't understand God's plans and we don't understand the consequences disobedience leads to. So this is what it comes down to... TRUST. TRUST in the Lord with all your heart! (Proverbs 3:5)

 

I can't disobey everything my mom says if I truly trust her. Peter can't disobey everything I say if he truly trusts me. I wouldn't DARE disobey God if I truly trusted Him and the plans He has for me! Rebellion is pretty much coming to face with a truth or an order and rejecting it; simply because we don't understand the depth of its importance.

 

God has so much to work on in me, but I guess the best way to start is by revealing and getting rid of the things that will keep me from learning and being changed. I don't want to "have it my way" anymore, because apparently my way leads to no good. I either trust in Him or prepare to suffer the consequences that my sinful cravings will lead me to. I don't know what that looks like yet, but if God revealed this much, I'm sure He won't leave me in the dark now...

 

Not only have I learned all this, but I have learned that if I expect Peter to be obedient, I have to be an example and be obedient too. What a humbling lesson to learn...