Untitled

I can't help but wonder why I live every day. To be honest, if I didn't believe in God, I would have taken my own life when I was 16 And even since then I've considered it a few times. But something someone told me when I was 16 stuck with me... They told me that suicide is selfish. You're hurting the people around you because of a choice you make. But suicide is a sensitive subject so I'll stop there and make my point...

The reason we were given life is to give ALL glory to God. That WHATEVER we do, we do for God.

"everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

~Isaiah 43:7

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

~1 Corinthians 10:31

So with that said; my reason for living is for God. It would be selfish of me to think that I'm living for any other reason... especially for myself.

And then there's the fact that I am always reminded of how much God is in control. Life is crazy... but God is in control no matter what.

Victory Through Christ!

I'm horrible with words and even worse at expressing myself in person.

 

God has been good. He's teaching me a lot and doing something amazing... not sure what it is exactly, all I know is that it's something. God is not an idle God. He is ALWAYS at work. I am seeking, seeking, and seeking God's approval of something before I can share, but I'm not worried about it. If He says no, then I know what my next consistent prayer will be. If He says yes... well... that would be a miracle and I would forever be thankful of that.

 

God is changing me... and I had it confirmed that He wants to change me based on what happened on Sunday...

 

I have been seeking to be changed. Not by family, not by friends (brothers or sisters), not by men, and certainly not by myself... but by God. By God alone do I want to be changed. So I've been praying, praying, praying...

Well, on Sunday I was busy. As soon as I woke up I took a shower, took Peter to the movies, then took him shopping to get some clothes. I wouldn't have thought the shopping part would be hard, but I guess I didn't realize how easily 8-year-olds get distracted by every little thing and wonder off every two minutes. After shopping I went to Jack in the Box to get Peter and Jeremiah dinner (the Jack In The Box on the same intersection corner I got in my car accident... not fun.). Anyway, long story short; I didn't want to go to church on Sunday night. Not only was I tired from lack of rest through the week and taking care of Peter all day Sunday (and every day); but driving and fighting for parking was not in my top interests that day either. I'm driving a temporary car for a little while so I'm not too comfortable with driving it yet. So if I didn't feel like going to Revival on Sunday night; who was going to hold me accountable to going anyway? So as I'm shopping for Peter, this crazy brother texts me asking if I'm going to Revival. I gave him my excuse for not wanting to go... but then he offered to help me... so I had no more excuse not to go. To sum it up: I ended up going to Revival. And the message was about God changing us. It was just what I needed to hear. Not only that, but I realized how much I needed to be reminded of how much God has ALREADY changed me, because I saw Pastor Danny and that's exactly what he did... he reminded me how much God has already done in me.

 

All this to say... God has confirmed that He wants to change me and CAN change me... because He already HAS changed me before. God is good but I'm aware it's only going to get tougher from here. The enemy has already tried tearing down what God has built up (MULTIPLE times... which overall lead to my car accident...). But at this point, it's either stand firm or don't stand at all... there is no in-between. And I figure since I've broken my leg so many times trying to stand firm, I can't just give up now. All that brokenness would be for nothing if I give up now. God is good, and God is most certainly greater than the enemy. Since we already have victory- anything the enemy tries to do between the beginning and the end is just to keep our focus off of the fact that we already won. The only things that can be taken from us are earthly things. Everything else has already been conquered by that Holy blood shed on the cross! Christ is KING and no one can overstep His authority! And we are sons and daughters of the King! No one can overstep what has been given to us through Christ! All GLORY, HONOR AND POWER IS HIS! Amen! : )

Untitled

This weekend was pretty good. For months the women leaders of The Vine have been planning the Arise womens conference. When I first heard that "Walking in Healing" was going to be one of the topics they were going to cover, I had it already planned out that that one was going to be the first one I was going to hear. For month I had been waiting to hear that message; for them to cover the one topic no one ever talks about. I'll be honest and say that I did have very high expectations. Well anyway, the day finally came today, October 1st. But for that 50 minutes of sitting in my seat not a single one of my needs was met. DEFINITELY not a single expectation. I'm not worried though; because I know the message might have been for someone else, not me.

There was only one thing that I found interesting... not completely TRUE, but interesting. The speaker said (and this is not an exact quote) that if we have boundary issues, to look at our past and see if there was a sign of boundary issues in our family. She said that if we don't respect other people's boundaries it is most likely because someone didn't respect ours. The idea settled in my mind for a few minutes because it kinda made sense to me... but I didn't believe it was completely true. Making sense of things in our minds doesn't always equal truth. To make my reason clearer I would have to confess something which I'm not willing to do publicly, but I will do my best to try to explain...

I think we often come up with too many excuses for our actions. Though it would be so much more freeing to blame my actions on my history with other people, I can't. I am 22. I am my own decision-making-machine by now.

-I think of it as a computer: I once used to share a computer with my family... and that computer had a virus that definitely influenced the way things worked on our computer... But I have my own computer now. What virus was on that computer cannot transfer onto mine. My own actions are what causes my own virus at this point. Though I came from my mother's body, I am not one spirit with her. I am my own (but God's) spirit with my own convictions and consequences. Just because someone crossed my boundaries in the past, it doesn't give me the right or excuse to cross someone else's. Why do we choose to simplify the true complexity of who God created each one of us to be by letting influence dictate our actions?? Our sin caused by the influence of others is no more excusable than our sin caused by the influence of our own desires. Influence simply just hands us another option, but it is up to us to make the decision.

HOWEVER... I do believe that history could be the reason for a lot of fears in our life. For example... I might be horrible at setting boundaries because I'm afraid someone is going to cross them anyway. So not only do I deal with disrespect toward my boundaries, I deal with failure at trying to prevent something that is going to happen anyway... Which for me leads to humiliation. Of course, it's no excuse to have low boundaries, but it's something I still need to learn how to get over.

Or for someone who deals with not being able to trust people because of something someone did to them. It's something that they need to learn how to do. So in cases like these, history becomes more of a hindrance because of fear than it is a decision to "do unto others what they DID do unto you". Fear can hinder us from making decisions... which overall, really, can also turn into a sin; because it can cause disobedience. And disobedience is a sin.

And of course, I also believe that history can influence us to make positive actions. To make this one simple, it's looking at the bad history and using it to motivate you not to repeat any mistakes done by others either in general or done to you. So history can also motivate us to NOT make obvious mistakes.

But no matter the situation, I think we as humans give too much credit to the past and not enough credit to the plans God has for us in the future. History isn't what makes us, God is what makes us. It all just comes down to allowing ourselves to be transformed by God completely. We can't let our past make half of our identity and let God be the other half of our identity. We have to let God be our WHOLE identity- in every action, thought and motivation.

This all makes sense to me... but it doesn't mean it's true. I didn't use one Scripture to back it up. But I say all this to say... I refuse to let MY past be a "reason" for why I sin now and in the future.

 

Writing Problem...

I'm really disappointed that I don't blog as much anymore. I'm trying to get back into it though... I remember on myspace when I had control myself not to post MORE than one blog a day. Now I'm lucky if I'm able to post even ONE in a month! The frustrating thing is that I have a lot to say... all the time... but I'm afraid to put it into words where someone might read it. Honestly, a lot of the reason I don't post anymore is because I'm afraid of saying something that doesn't line up with Scripture. I really don't want to state my "opinions" because "opinions" are wayy too common these days. There's too many opnions and not enough Scripture. But if I write about Scripture, I want to make sure I understand the context and meaning of it first... something I've been learning for the past few months. To be honest I'm actually very paranoid about what I say... It's pretty ridiculous. I started my last blog at about 10:30 or 11:00 last night... didn't finish it till about 2:45am. It's not that it was a tough subject or that I couldn't think anymore; I'm just very careful about what I say and how I say it. I don't even know how many blogs I've started but haven't finished this year... they're all just sitting there saved as "drafts". The thing with words is that you can't take them back once you put them out there. That's why when I speak to people I'm either being the quiet one or the one who's taking forever to say something. Haha and I feel bad but that's also why I'll start to say something but change my mind and say "never mind...". Writing (even though I LOVE it) doesn't come easy to me anymore.

But even with all that said, that's still not the only reason I don't post anymore. A lot of it actually has to do with time. I'd be willing to sit at the computer every night for four hours until I'm able to post something, but I don't have that kind of time anymore. I'm out most of the day and by the time I come home I'm too tired to think.

And I'm aware that not a lot of (if even ANY) people probably read all my posts... and to be honest... I'm totally okay with that!

Now that I've said all that, whether there was a point to it or not... I have just tricked myself into posting another blog... which makes me one step closer to getting back into the habit! ; D

Prayback Not Payback! ; )

I've been learning a lot lately and I get the feeling I'm going to have to learn even harder things in the near future. The toughest thing for me to do right now is to have self control. Lately I've been tempted to react in a non-Christ-like way. But hey... I'm hanging in there! : )

But because of this I've been thinking about a lot. How DO we react to people who purposely try to push our buttons? My frustration is not being to do anything when someone else says harsh things either to me or about me. I can tell you that in the past I've handled it the way that I wanted to... and let me just say that it never worked out.

I have come to a conclusion that being a Christ-like, loving human being is the best "comeback" we can have as a Christian. What breaks people? Love brings down walls- hate drives people over the edge and provoke's them to do unreasonable things. Every time we act in a cruel or abusive way it changes us a little in a negative way. It only feeds our self-loving fire making it easier to do just a little more damage every time we are faced with a situation. So if we care even in the slightest about who we are as a human being, we would think twice before acting out in hate or frustration next time. But if we care even in the slightest about who we are as a Christian... ha... we should be doing even better than that. We should take it from a level of "not acting out in hate" and bring it up to "acting out in love". Which brings it around to this Scripture...

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles."

~Matthew 5:38-41

 

NOW WITH ALL THIS SAID... I know it's not easy. I can't count how many times I've messed up. After getting in the habit of doing what I wanted to do, it was hard for me to react in a Christian way the last time I was faced with a situation. But I held my tongue even if it brought me suffering... In fact, I've been biting my tongue for six months now so I'm pretty sure my tongue is bleeding by now. I've been begging God for justice. But on Tuesday I realized that the only thing I CAN do is be a Christian in the way I know how. If I can't act in love then I should at least be praying. So I started praying this week... lol... and no... I still don't feel any better... but I realized being a Christian isn't about how we "feel", it's about how we ACT. And when we pray, we have victory. 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"

~Matthew 5:43-44

So my goal is to pray until something happens. : )

 

But anyway... have more but apparently 2:45 in the morning is a difficult time for me to think!

The Body of Christ

"At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen."

~2 Timothy 4:16-18

 

I can't stop thinking about this verse. I've probably said this verse to myself every day for the past month... because it sums up how I've felt most of my life; "At my first defense, no one came to my support...", how true that is... until now. Now I'm trying to get used to people trying to look out for me even when I "don't" want them to. I have a protective brother and a comforting sister that holds me accountable who both build me up so that I'm prepared to do my part as well. But shouldn't we ALL have that with each other?

 

Dear brothers and sisters,

The church is in need. But before I begin, let me apologize for not doing my part in the past or failing to do my part in the future. My intention is not to point out the speck in the church's eye (Matthew 7:3), but to show the NEED in the church so that we can be encouraged to change things. Let me share just a paragraph of the book God has been writing in my life, titled "Things I'm Learning"...

It wasn't until I felt the need to confess a sin (James 5:16) that I realized there are very few people I could confess it to. My fear about opening up to my sisters (in Christ) is that they'll have a negative reaction to what I say, or they'll simply just tell me what I "want" to hear. And the men of the church have all become looked at as "potential husbands" that we have limited their role as men to just that and nothing more (most of the time...). We have learned not to reach out to them unless there is an intention of marriage in the future. By doing this though, we have lost communication and have become THE BODY OF WOMEN OF CHRIST, or the BODY OF MEN OF CHRIST instead of what God calls us to be... which is ONE body; THE BODY OF CHRIST (1 Corinthians 12:27). I understand boundaries and I don't ask that you abandon all boundaries, but please don't separate the Body of Christ because of them. Be wise but don't be closed off! My hope for the women is that we will be able to trust each other and be mindful of how we act toward our brothers. The way we dress can easily harm our brothers; do we realize this? Are we being mindful of their purity? Just because we're not married to them doesn't mean we don't have a part in their Spiritual health.

Another thing I've realized is the lack of trust between us... how did this come to be? But most importantly... how are we going to fix it? Do we care to fix it or have we just become too comfortable with the problem that we just don't see the need for a solution anymore?

 

And my hope for the men is that I will be able to go to church knowing that they will be protective instead of harmful. That they will be the protectors and not the predators. All I can say to the men is to be mindful of the women's hearts... Don't tell them one thing and act out another. Be intentional!

 

When we all learn our roles, we can take care of each other. When we take care of each other, then we can be the Body of Christ that God asks us to be. We cannot do God's work alone; our NEED is for each other. We need each other's cooperation.

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”

~1 Corinthians 12:21

 

"so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it."

~1 Corinthians 12:25-27

 

I have much to say on this subject, but a blog will not do it justice. I've learned a lot, and God has confirmed a lot... these are not just "feelings" I have that I felt like sharing. If you are curious to know how God has been working and what He has been revealing, please feel free to ask me. God's work is no secret, so I have no shame in sharing.

Fall

I'm amazed that God can take any broken thing and make it beautiful. The way I see it, we're kinda like trees... we have beautiful leaves that sometimes fall off, but we can always be encouraged that new ones will always grow back in. And if leaves aren't falling, they're at least changing color. 

Recently though, I've recognized God to pick up every piece of me that has ever broken off. And in the moment, I couldn't help but ask "Why? What is the point of this?"; but then I find out that with every piece that fell, God collected them and turned them into art.

So with that said, keep in mind that God is a pure Artist. He would have to be to create this world, right? He couldn't possibly be considered anything less than a genius Artist. Yet we fight God for the paintbrush every time we panic, thinking our shakey hands could do any better or make any more sense out of the picture. But in the midst of every difficult season, God continues to bless us. He said Himself that He will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5, Deuteronomy 31:6). When you're breaking in pieces, remember that God is collecting every piece that falls so that He can turn it into art. It's not His intention for us to break, but it's His concern to turn it into something good when we do.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

~ Romans 8:28

So have patience and have faith. And when you don't have the energy to pray, remember this also...

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

~ Romans 8:26

I wish I could say more but I can't. I'm out of words but full of joy just by knowing who God is and what He's done in my life. There is no number great enough to describe how many times God has blessed me.

Untitled