Silent Expressions

I wish I could write blogs like I used to, but my experiences with God have changed. As of right now, I'm not able to talk about much on how "God speaks", "God provides", "God loves", or to "Keep praying". No; this time my experiences have been rather different in a more faith-testing way.

I still believe that if you ask God to speak to you, He will. Or if you keep praying, He'll show through. Or if you give to God, He'll give back. He HAS done all of these things, and He HAS proven Himself to me many times that He is a faithful God to our needs, desires and prayers. And silly of me to think that these are the only ways God can teach me something. But He's shown me differently...
- Lately when I've been asking God to speak to me, or to use me, I hear nothing but silence the next day. When I pray hard on something, the thing I'm praying for only gets harder. But instead of all the usual loud reactions God always used to "spoil" me with, He reacts in silence.
Instead of words, He uses hints. I wish I could SO better explain this, or give an example of what I mean, but I can't. I'll try though.

Sometimes God's reactions to our needs or prayers aren't words or actions, sometimes they just take a simple face-expression as a hint of what He's trying to say. It almost feels like graduating to another level to test us on what we learned the previous level. I always feel God around, I know He's around, I know He's listening to me, I know He cares... the only difference is, I have to look past a familiar voice and count on a silent face-expression to let me know these things. I don't even know for how long my prayers have been nothing but:
-"God, speak to me please!"
"God, where were you today? I couldn't hear you!"

-"God, please hear my prayers!"
"God, nothing's been happening! Are you telling me to take a break from praying for this?"

I began to question if God was getting tired of me. I lost all energy for Him and didn't know what to do. After a while of feeling like this, I realized that my faith was based on the obvious things God was doing and saying, instead of the silent things God was doing and saying. He wasn't ignoring what faith I did have in Him, He was trying to bring out another faith I didn't have in Him. In order to strengthen one sense, you have to close another, right?
I sure couldn't hear God anymore, but He taught me how to read silence. He taught me how to read His lips and to learn that a smile didn't mean He was up to one of His invisible tests again... but that a smile meant He was with me through whatever test I was in.
His eyes weren't shut at me, they were sparkling with excitement for the plans He has for me.
My faith was in what I've seen God already do, not in what He can and will do.
Because He made me weak in one area, I was able to become stronger in another.

God's been silent for a long time now... but He sure hasn't been absent. His comfort and wisdom wasn't in His words this time, but in His face.

NOT ONLY did God strengthen my faith in Him through His silence, but He helped me strengthen my faith in myself. It was in His silence that I was able to hear myself. I was able to better understand what it is I truly desire and need. My voice became louder and I learned not to settle on every stupid choice I'm offered. Instead of expecting God to strike every harmful person that came near me, I just learned not to be stupid enough to put myself in those situations anymore.

I've learned way more than I can explain... and I can't wait to see what God does with all of this. Once again... even when He's quiet He comes through for us! : )


He showed me who He is in a whole new way...

Fear Thou Not

Tonight was a decent night. : )

Wednesday was a pretty great day though. Well, more like a good night... Shall I explain? : )
- For the past month I've been praying that God would take away my fears. Everyone tells me how afraid I am of everything. I can't believe that I've been introduced as "Afraid of Everything"... MY NAME IS JOHANNA! ; )
Recently someone even called me Piglet; because I'm small and afraid of everything. So my mom was cleaning out her garage, and she had a Piglet doll still in the box, and she asked us if we wanted it. So I took it.
It now sits on my desk next to my bed. At first I didn't want it because I didn't like that it stood for "me being afraid of everything", but then I wanted it so it could motivate me to take my fear problem serious and pray on it. And I have been. My theme for this year is "GET OVER FEAR!".

So that's been on my mind for the past week or two.
On Wednesday night, February 3rd, I walked into Life Group at Amanda's. As soon as I walked inside, Amanda gave me a big, white envelope that said "To: Johanna Prousalis". She said it was in The Vine's mailing box or something, but she didn't know who it was from; and the only other thing written on it was "Vine". So I had no idea what it was. I shook it, it sounded like keys.
"Keys? That wouldn't sense, I have the only keys I own..."
So I opened it. I STOPPED BREATHING the second I saw them... MY DOG TAGS! I GOT THEM BACK!
What significance do these dog tags have? I'll tell you...
These were dog tags I had with me all the time. These are one of the most special things I own.
But as motivation for me to get my GED, I gave them to a friend and told her "Don't give these back to me until I get my GED. If I beg for them, don't give in!".
WELL that was back in August of 2007!
There were three dog tags:
One of them was a red one that said "Alpha" on it in Greek with a Bible verse on the back.
Another one was made by my old youth group leader on August 10th, 2007.
It says:
"Johanna Prousalis
God = My Strength
Phil. 4:13
Stay Strong
Trust God..."

And finally... the most important one (that I've had since early May, 2004)...
"FEAR NOT"! With a Bible verse on the back:
"Fear not, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED TO BE REMINDED OF! I know this verse by heart (in two versions : ), and I used to constantly hold on to this dog tag whenever I was afraid or nervous to remind me of that verse.
That friend who was holding on to them recently moved to Germany, but the last time I spoke to her, she told me she was gonna give my dog tags to someone else to hold onto. She made it clear she wasn't giving them back to me though... : (
So I don't know who she gave them to, but whoever it was, God decided to give them back to me instead. Not because I achieved my goal of getting my GED (pathetic, I know...), but because He knew I needed them to constantly remind me to not be afraid.
And you better believe I started crying when I got them back... : )

Yay! God listens! I knew He did... I'm just glad He decided to remind me though. : )

So that is my goal for this year... to "FEAR NOT"
2006 was my year of "Searching for God",
2007 was "Growing in God"
2008 was "Healing"
2009 was "Testing and Brokenness"
And 2010 shall now be "Facing Fears"... unless something happens and God decides to throw me in a crazy-different direction...

And now... I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE VINE RETREAT!!! : D