You know what's really annoying me now? It's that I constantly have to look for guys to like. Unfortunately, I go looking for someone to like when I want to keep my mind distracted from other things. To make me feel better.
There were a few people that I liked a whole lot. (I think they all found out somehow at some point... unfortunately...)
I really have to stop liking so many people. I'm bound to get hurt or disappointed one day... though... I can't say I already haven't before.
(I don't want every guy to assume I like them just cause I'm saying all this though.)
It's just weird cause I don't like anyone right now. And I feel like I should cause I usually do.
I have to stop this! I'm free and I should be happy about it!
I have no crushes or anything right now. I should focus on God while it lasts.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I Need Change
Okay, well, I've sure been learning a lot lately.
I think I'm desperate for change right now. I'm being held back because of memories; good and bad. Now the world is against me because I don't care enough to get out and learn more about it.
But really though, I've been looking at a lot of bad things about me lately. It's not a bad thing at all though, it's certainly waking me up to a lot of things. I'm being more careful about what I say, what I do, and how I act.
At first, when someone points out all the bad things about you, it does make you feel like garbage. But when you realize all those things are true... it's embarrassing, and you become desperate to change them.
That's exactly where I stand. All this time I've been telling myself "I don't need to be good enough for anyone, I don't care what anyone says about me", but honestly, I do care. It's okay to tell yourself this if you really are doing something right. But if you don't even feel like you're doing enough for yourself, it's possible that you really do just need to do better.
And to prove that I'm "not good enough", let me tell you what I do pretty much every day:
I wake up around 2pm, I stay in bed thinking for at least another hour, I go on myspace and facebook, SOMETIMES I go for two hour walk (and pray), I spend a little time with my family outside, I go to my room and think some more (or fall asleep again), I go on myspace and facebook, I SOMETIMES read my Bible, I go sit in the car to think and pray, I go on myspace and facebook, and I go to sleep... at 5am. Then I do the same thing the next day and through the whole week pretty much.
It sounds nice to those who work; sleep, take a walk, think, pray, read Bible, myspace, facebook, family...
But when this is the only thing going on in your life, when the most you have to look forward to every day is checking myspace or facebook, it's depressing and embarrassing. I hate when people ask me what I do during the day.
Believe it or not, I'd rather go hiking, camping, fishing, skating, walking, or bowling or something. I'd even rather be working somewhere. I hate being home.
But I don't want to have to depend on anyone anymore in order for me to have fun. I want my own life now.
See, I've been giving myself too many excuses for not trying harder (or even at all) to improve my life. No WONDER my Spiritual life has been boring lately: I'm not getting out and challenging myself around other people enough!
This time though, I'm on my own to change things. I am NOT easily motivated, so yes, I do need help from people.
But I guess this is one of those things that I just need to do without emotion. I'm so emotionally drained, that's probably why I'm not so afraid of change right now. I don't have the emotional energy or patience to be afraid of change.
Tonight I realized that I'm officially on my own to study for this GED. Even my help didn't have patience to help me anymore. I let too many people get in my way. I refuse to rely on anyone or anything other than my mind and whatever God has planned for me.
Anyway... I didn't mean for all this to sound so negative towards myself or anyone else. It's just the truth... and I've finally discovered it.
I gotta hold on to this truth and use it to change my life... otherwise... I'm pretty much screwed.
(See that? It's 5am and I'm still not in bed...)
Good night... or morning. : )
I think I'm desperate for change right now. I'm being held back because of memories; good and bad. Now the world is against me because I don't care enough to get out and learn more about it.
But really though, I've been looking at a lot of bad things about me lately. It's not a bad thing at all though, it's certainly waking me up to a lot of things. I'm being more careful about what I say, what I do, and how I act.
At first, when someone points out all the bad things about you, it does make you feel like garbage. But when you realize all those things are true... it's embarrassing, and you become desperate to change them.
That's exactly where I stand. All this time I've been telling myself "I don't need to be good enough for anyone, I don't care what anyone says about me", but honestly, I do care. It's okay to tell yourself this if you really are doing something right. But if you don't even feel like you're doing enough for yourself, it's possible that you really do just need to do better.
And to prove that I'm "not good enough", let me tell you what I do pretty much every day:
I wake up around 2pm, I stay in bed thinking for at least another hour, I go on myspace and facebook, SOMETIMES I go for two hour walk (and pray), I spend a little time with my family outside, I go to my room and think some more (or fall asleep again), I go on myspace and facebook, I SOMETIMES read my Bible, I go sit in the car to think and pray, I go on myspace and facebook, and I go to sleep... at 5am. Then I do the same thing the next day and through the whole week pretty much.
It sounds nice to those who work; sleep, take a walk, think, pray, read Bible, myspace, facebook, family...
But when this is the only thing going on in your life, when the most you have to look forward to every day is checking myspace or facebook, it's depressing and embarrassing. I hate when people ask me what I do during the day.
Believe it or not, I'd rather go hiking, camping, fishing, skating, walking, or bowling or something. I'd even rather be working somewhere. I hate being home.
But I don't want to have to depend on anyone anymore in order for me to have fun. I want my own life now.
See, I've been giving myself too many excuses for not trying harder (or even at all) to improve my life. No WONDER my Spiritual life has been boring lately: I'm not getting out and challenging myself around other people enough!
This time though, I'm on my own to change things. I am NOT easily motivated, so yes, I do need help from people.
But I guess this is one of those things that I just need to do without emotion. I'm so emotionally drained, that's probably why I'm not so afraid of change right now. I don't have the emotional energy or patience to be afraid of change.
Tonight I realized that I'm officially on my own to study for this GED. Even my help didn't have patience to help me anymore. I let too many people get in my way. I refuse to rely on anyone or anything other than my mind and whatever God has planned for me.
Anyway... I didn't mean for all this to sound so negative towards myself or anyone else. It's just the truth... and I've finally discovered it.
I gotta hold on to this truth and use it to change my life... otherwise... I'm pretty much screwed.
(See that? It's 5am and I'm still not in bed...)
Good night... or morning. : )
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