Words can't explain how sick and disgusted I feel right now. I just watched this horror movie by myself in my room, and I think it scarred me for life. All through the movie I was doing fine, it wasn't so "scary" after all. It was, however, pretty disturbing. The end was the worst though. That was what really got to me. A movie has never made me feel like this before. When the movie was over, I was still lying on my bed with the TV on and I seriously couldn't move. When I stood up, I was shaking and could barely walk right. I went in the bathroom cause I thought I was about to throw up. I think this movie was worse than any of the "Saw" movies I've watched. And it makes me even more sick to know that there's people in the world out there that actually come up with these ways to torture people. They don't just think of these twisted stories, but they actually put them in movies for stupid people like me to get sucked into and watch.
This world sickens me... And now I feel bad for encouraging such a twisted world by watching a movie it created. Blegh... I still feel sick and can't wait to return the stupid, disgusting movie to Blockbuster tomorrow. BLEGGHHH!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
October 11th: The "Change My Life" Day
I just read what the weather's supposed to be like this week, and sadly, that was the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the past few days. It's apparently supposed to rain on Wednesday and Thursday! : D
Anyway...
I couldn't sleep last night. Not so much couldn't, but more just didn't feel like it. Yesterday around 1am I realized that I am where I was exactly one year ago today... and that is not a good thing.
At around 8pm tonight it will be exactly one year since I went on that camping trip that changed my life, and I am quite disappointed with where things have ended up since then. I feel like someone hit the "Recall" button on the remote and took me back to the same channel I thought I was leaving behind.
Now, October 10th, 2008 was when I got to the campsite; but October 11th was the night that actually changed my life. All it took was a little "bonfire testimony time" with a group of friends.
Since then the biggest thing I think I've learned was: Don't take your trust out of God and into someone else for even a second.
After that camping trip I felt I finally had a good grip on my trust in God to heal me, but the second I found an easier way to "heal" me, I put my trust in that instead.
The power of healing is not in us and is not in others; It's ALL in God. I spent a year trying to be healed MY way, yet I'm just as or even more broken now than I was before.
I don't mean for this to sound negative or to say "Don't trust people.", I just want this to be read as a warning to those who tend to put their trust in people more than they do in God.
I don't see any of this as a "punishment" for not trusting God to heal me this past year, I truly do just believe my "healing" didn't work out for me because only God is fully capable of healing me. He's not punishing me, He's just simply trying to get my attention and show me that He really does want the best for me, and that only HE can offer that.
Well, lesson learned, God. On October 11th this year I am going to start all over; just like I did last year on that night. But this time... I trust NO ONE but God to heal me from my past AND NOW this year's damage too.
Heal me, God,... I'm all Yours. : )
Anyway...
I couldn't sleep last night. Not so much couldn't, but more just didn't feel like it. Yesterday around 1am I realized that I am where I was exactly one year ago today... and that is not a good thing.
At around 8pm tonight it will be exactly one year since I went on that camping trip that changed my life, and I am quite disappointed with where things have ended up since then. I feel like someone hit the "Recall" button on the remote and took me back to the same channel I thought I was leaving behind.
Now, October 10th, 2008 was when I got to the campsite; but October 11th was the night that actually changed my life. All it took was a little "bonfire testimony time" with a group of friends.
Since then the biggest thing I think I've learned was: Don't take your trust out of God and into someone else for even a second.
After that camping trip I felt I finally had a good grip on my trust in God to heal me, but the second I found an easier way to "heal" me, I put my trust in that instead.
The power of healing is not in us and is not in others; It's ALL in God. I spent a year trying to be healed MY way, yet I'm just as or even more broken now than I was before.
I don't mean for this to sound negative or to say "Don't trust people.", I just want this to be read as a warning to those who tend to put their trust in people more than they do in God.
I don't see any of this as a "punishment" for not trusting God to heal me this past year, I truly do just believe my "healing" didn't work out for me because only God is fully capable of healing me. He's not punishing me, He's just simply trying to get my attention and show me that He really does want the best for me, and that only HE can offer that.
Well, lesson learned, God. On October 11th this year I am going to start all over; just like I did last year on that night. But this time... I trust NO ONE but God to heal me from my past AND NOW this year's damage too.
Heal me, God,... I'm all Yours. : )
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Rain, Rain Come Again!
Lol so on the night of September 21st, I had a dream that our first rain since all this summer heat was gonna be on October 4th (which was the day of our first rain last year too), and a couple days ago I went on the internet to check what the weather's gonna be like this week, and it says it's supposed to drizzle on Sunday morning... October 4th. : ) I hope my dream comes true! : D
Haha who knows if it's really gonna happen, but that would be awesome if it does. I don't remember what rain feels like... I hope to be awake when it happens.
Please rain!
: )
Haha who knows if it's really gonna happen, but that would be awesome if it does. I don't remember what rain feels like... I hope to be awake when it happens.
Please rain!
: )
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Lack Power, Gain Faith : )
Today was my first time ever shooting a real gun! : )
And going shooting today made me realize something:
I loved the power I held in my hands today, yet I know I really shouldn't have that power because I don't completely understand how to use it and what kind of damage I'm capable of doing with it.
Though, that's not just with a gun, of course. That applies with all different kinds of power. Today I realized that I don't really enjoy embracing power as a thing of mine. I don't seek power. And I think that's what makes some people's walk with God a little different; stronger in some areas than other areas in their faith.
And I honestly think that it's my lack of desire for power that helps me trust in God and His ways more.
I don't know, for the past year I've felt a little down on myself for never wanting to be in control (and in some cases, yes, being in control is a good thing), but now I'm actually glad that I don't desire to be in control of everything. I don't desire power. I would rather the power be in the hands of someone Greater, someone who knows what they're doing and understands the power they're in control of.
I would much rather give all power to God than to embrace it for myself and risk damaging innocent lives. I care too much about the people around me to take such power that doesn't even belong to me. If God places a certain kind of power in my hands, I will gladly use it in the best way I possibly can; but after today, I realized I do NOT desire power, and now I can see why that could be a good thing.
I'm up for defending myself in any situation I have to, and I will accept to take control of what GOD hands me... but I will not seek something that isn't meant for me to posses. ; )
ANYWAY... Shooting was fun, but now I have a new adventure to go on in just hours ahead of me...
Disneyland! : D
And going shooting today made me realize something:
I loved the power I held in my hands today, yet I know I really shouldn't have that power because I don't completely understand how to use it and what kind of damage I'm capable of doing with it.
Though, that's not just with a gun, of course. That applies with all different kinds of power. Today I realized that I don't really enjoy embracing power as a thing of mine. I don't seek power. And I think that's what makes some people's walk with God a little different; stronger in some areas than other areas in their faith.
And I honestly think that it's my lack of desire for power that helps me trust in God and His ways more.
I don't know, for the past year I've felt a little down on myself for never wanting to be in control (and in some cases, yes, being in control is a good thing), but now I'm actually glad that I don't desire to be in control of everything. I don't desire power. I would rather the power be in the hands of someone Greater, someone who knows what they're doing and understands the power they're in control of.
I would much rather give all power to God than to embrace it for myself and risk damaging innocent lives. I care too much about the people around me to take such power that doesn't even belong to me. If God places a certain kind of power in my hands, I will gladly use it in the best way I possibly can; but after today, I realized I do NOT desire power, and now I can see why that could be a good thing.
I'm up for defending myself in any situation I have to, and I will accept to take control of what GOD hands me... but I will not seek something that isn't meant for me to posses. ; )
ANYWAY... Shooting was fun, but now I have a new adventure to go on in just hours ahead of me...
Disneyland! : D
Monday, September 21, 2009
The Black Light Dream
Last night I had an interesting dream. Pretty detailed too. I looked it up online to see what it might symbolize, and it seemed to match pretty well. One of the meanings it gave me was "vengeful feelings...".
All day today I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. I know I will never forget it. I kept wondering what the reason was for me having it.
Well, tonight at The Vine was pretty special, I think, because it talked about FORGIVENESS. Now I feel like my dream was a sign that I have this bitterness towards someone and I need to forgive that person for the reason I have that bitterness for them. (Did that make sense?)
God also reminded me that I HAVE TO KEEP PRAYING! Last night before I went to bed, I was really angry and told God I was done with praying (not in general but just for something specifically).
Well today He told me something interesting: I need to clean out my heart by forgiving someone and letting go of that bitterness, and then I have to keep praying. Those are the two hardest things for me to do right now, but He's right: my relationship with Him won't be right until I do.
But now I have a question: If you forgive someone, are you supposed to tell them you forgive them? Or do you just forgive them in your heart and move on? I really don't know what to do after I've "forgiven" them. I want to mean it if I say it, but I don't want to say it unless they actually care to hear it.
Whatever. I'm gonna go to sleep. I had a good laugh in my seat at The Vine tonight... thank you, God, for telling me things I didn't want to hear. ; )
Maybe tonight I'll have a better dream? Goodnight. : )
All day today I couldn't stop thinking about my dream. I know I will never forget it. I kept wondering what the reason was for me having it.
Well, tonight at The Vine was pretty special, I think, because it talked about FORGIVENESS. Now I feel like my dream was a sign that I have this bitterness towards someone and I need to forgive that person for the reason I have that bitterness for them. (Did that make sense?)
God also reminded me that I HAVE TO KEEP PRAYING! Last night before I went to bed, I was really angry and told God I was done with praying (not in general but just for something specifically).
Well today He told me something interesting: I need to clean out my heart by forgiving someone and letting go of that bitterness, and then I have to keep praying. Those are the two hardest things for me to do right now, but He's right: my relationship with Him won't be right until I do.
But now I have a question: If you forgive someone, are you supposed to tell them you forgive them? Or do you just forgive them in your heart and move on? I really don't know what to do after I've "forgiven" them. I want to mean it if I say it, but I don't want to say it unless they actually care to hear it.
Whatever. I'm gonna go to sleep. I had a good laugh in my seat at The Vine tonight... thank you, God, for telling me things I didn't want to hear. ; )
Maybe tonight I'll have a better dream? Goodnight. : )
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Pointless Short Blog
The other night God answered my call so fast that it didn't even get a chance to ring...
Since then I've been speechless.
And last night I asked, "God, should I start praying again? I need to know if it's safe for me to keep praying..."
And God simply replied with... "Yes. Pray."
I never thought I'd have to ask God if it's "safe" to pray for something, but I did.
See, praying for something was giving me a connection that I didn't want.
How can I keep myself from thinking about something if God wants me to keep praying for it?
Well, thinking about that made me question why I'm praying for it. Is it for my own satisfaction or do I really care for it?
Well, I still don't really know... so I think I'll go ask God. : )
Since then I've been speechless.
And last night I asked, "God, should I start praying again? I need to know if it's safe for me to keep praying..."
And God simply replied with... "Yes. Pray."
I never thought I'd have to ask God if it's "safe" to pray for something, but I did.
See, praying for something was giving me a connection that I didn't want.
How can I keep myself from thinking about something if God wants me to keep praying for it?
Well, thinking about that made me question why I'm praying for it. Is it for my own satisfaction or do I really care for it?
Well, I still don't really know... so I think I'll go ask God. : )
Friday, August 21, 2009
Nearly-Perfect Day
I'm dying to go to sleep, so I'm making this a little short...
Today was like a crazy miracle or something. It was like one of the best days I've had all year. It was nearly a perfect day.
It's probably because I begged God for the chance to prove something to myself. I begged God to give me one day to make things right. I begged God for one day to be normal.
I find it interesting that I heard that song "I have a feeling... that tonight's gonna be a good night!" three times today... And indeed, tonight was a good, good night. : )
I'm going to end such a nearly-perfect day and night with a dream now... Goodnight. : )
Today was like a crazy miracle or something. It was like one of the best days I've had all year. It was nearly a perfect day.
It's probably because I begged God for the chance to prove something to myself. I begged God to give me one day to make things right. I begged God for one day to be normal.
I find it interesting that I heard that song "I have a feeling... that tonight's gonna be a good night!" three times today... And indeed, tonight was a good, good night. : )
I'm going to end such a nearly-perfect day and night with a dream now... Goodnight. : )
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The Vine
I find it important for some reason to mention how much I really appreciate The Vine.
For me personally, I find pretty much everything I need at The Vine.
The Vine has truly changed my life. It's my emotional support and time to surrender all my fears, worries and problems to God. The messages and worship are like arrows that go straight to my heart; they have a powerful sting to them. A good one.
The Vine was where I found the friends I had been praying for. The leaders I needed in my life.
Almost a year ago I joined the Greeting Team to serve God and the church that helped change my life.
Now, I'm sure everyone knows I'm not the most social person... so joining the Greeting Team was definitely uncomfortable for me at first. But I have friends as witnesses who could now probably tell you that I'm not as shy as I used to be... I have grown more comfortable with meeting and talking to people. I have also grown closer to some people because of it.
And I truly enjoy seeing the look on people's faces as they walk in the doors while looking at their bulletin, wondering "What is all this?". Because I remember thinking the same thing the first night I walked in those doors. And I know for a fact that The Vine has now changed some of their lives too.
But of course, none of this change could have taken place without God. It was through The Vine that God answered HUNDREDS of my prayers. The Vine isn't just a church service... it's a meeting place God set up for people who need freedom, comfort, prayer, friends, leaders, support, guidance, worship, laughter... GOD.
I'm saying all this because God keeps reminding me that I'm not who I was. And I'm very thankful. I've thanked God plenty of times for that, but I felt the need to express my appreciation for what being a part of The Vine has done for me.
So thank you to all who've made The Vine the wonderful experience it has been and still is to me. : )
(And thank you Sarah for inviting me! : )
For me personally, I find pretty much everything I need at The Vine.
The Vine has truly changed my life. It's my emotional support and time to surrender all my fears, worries and problems to God. The messages and worship are like arrows that go straight to my heart; they have a powerful sting to them. A good one.
The Vine was where I found the friends I had been praying for. The leaders I needed in my life.
Almost a year ago I joined the Greeting Team to serve God and the church that helped change my life.
Now, I'm sure everyone knows I'm not the most social person... so joining the Greeting Team was definitely uncomfortable for me at first. But I have friends as witnesses who could now probably tell you that I'm not as shy as I used to be... I have grown more comfortable with meeting and talking to people. I have also grown closer to some people because of it.
And I truly enjoy seeing the look on people's faces as they walk in the doors while looking at their bulletin, wondering "What is all this?". Because I remember thinking the same thing the first night I walked in those doors. And I know for a fact that The Vine has now changed some of their lives too.
But of course, none of this change could have taken place without God. It was through The Vine that God answered HUNDREDS of my prayers. The Vine isn't just a church service... it's a meeting place God set up for people who need freedom, comfort, prayer, friends, leaders, support, guidance, worship, laughter... GOD.
I'm saying all this because God keeps reminding me that I'm not who I was. And I'm very thankful. I've thanked God plenty of times for that, but I felt the need to express my appreciation for what being a part of The Vine has done for me.
So thank you to all who've made The Vine the wonderful experience it has been and still is to me. : )
(And thank you Sarah for inviting me! : )
Saturday, August 1, 2009
In Love
I don't have much time to post, but I was thinking about something.
I was just sitting in the car after talking to a friend on the phone, and it made me think about dating and relationships and stuff. I asked myself (early during the day too): What is love? How do you know you're "in love"? Can REALLY liking someone even though they don't like you the same way count as being "in love"? If so, then I guess you could say I've been in love before. But because it sounds so wrong to me, so unreal, then maybe it was never love. How would you know?
I never thought I'd say this, but when it comes to love, God's love is easier to understand. I have no questions when it comes to God's love. I'm actually able to recognize when I'm "in love" when it comes to God. Seems like the easiest and most filling love out there to me. But if it's so easy and filling, then why can't I enjoy it as much as I should?
Here's what I think: I think I'm looking for a "buy one get one free" deal. I guess I expect that just because I love God and He loves me, God will give me a guy to love who will also love me.
"God is all for love! Love, love, love! If I love God, God loves me, and I love this guy, then why wouldn't God let this guy love me too?"
That's my problem. I expect something from God that He never promised to me.
Maybe I will get married one day. Maybe I won't. Whatever God's plans are for me definitely require time. I don't know about anyone else, but when I want something to be at its best, I take my time on it. When I'm getting ready and want my hair to look its best, I'll take my time on it. When I'm writing in my journal and I want to be very detailed, I'll take my time on it. If you have the time, then why not take it and make something at its best? God has ALL the time in the UNIVERSE and everywhere we can't imagine... why would He rush His plans for you just because you "love" Him and think you deserve a relationship because of it?
I'm not telling this to anyone other than myself. I just need to realize that just because I have a relationship with God DOESN'T mean I deserve a relationship with a guy just because I want it.
I was completely happy and content with the love I had for God last November. I KNEW I was "in love" with God. I miss that love. The only time I was familiar with what being in love meant was when I had that love for God. And I remember it also being the HAPPIEST time...
I wanna be IN LOVE with God, and IN LOVE with His timing for the guy He might be preparing for me! I wanna be in love with God while I wait... not anxious.
I love Love. : )
I was just sitting in the car after talking to a friend on the phone, and it made me think about dating and relationships and stuff. I asked myself (early during the day too): What is love? How do you know you're "in love"? Can REALLY liking someone even though they don't like you the same way count as being "in love"? If so, then I guess you could say I've been in love before. But because it sounds so wrong to me, so unreal, then maybe it was never love. How would you know?
I never thought I'd say this, but when it comes to love, God's love is easier to understand. I have no questions when it comes to God's love. I'm actually able to recognize when I'm "in love" when it comes to God. Seems like the easiest and most filling love out there to me. But if it's so easy and filling, then why can't I enjoy it as much as I should?
Here's what I think: I think I'm looking for a "buy one get one free" deal. I guess I expect that just because I love God and He loves me, God will give me a guy to love who will also love me.
"God is all for love! Love, love, love! If I love God, God loves me, and I love this guy, then why wouldn't God let this guy love me too?"
That's my problem. I expect something from God that He never promised to me.
Maybe I will get married one day. Maybe I won't. Whatever God's plans are for me definitely require time. I don't know about anyone else, but when I want something to be at its best, I take my time on it. When I'm getting ready and want my hair to look its best, I'll take my time on it. When I'm writing in my journal and I want to be very detailed, I'll take my time on it. If you have the time, then why not take it and make something at its best? God has ALL the time in the UNIVERSE and everywhere we can't imagine... why would He rush His plans for you just because you "love" Him and think you deserve a relationship because of it?
I'm not telling this to anyone other than myself. I just need to realize that just because I have a relationship with God DOESN'T mean I deserve a relationship with a guy just because I want it.
I was completely happy and content with the love I had for God last November. I KNEW I was "in love" with God. I miss that love. The only time I was familiar with what being in love meant was when I had that love for God. And I remember it also being the HAPPIEST time...
I wanna be IN LOVE with God, and IN LOVE with His timing for the guy He might be preparing for me! I wanna be in love with God while I wait... not anxious.
I love Love. : )
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Time To Prepare
Yay for Sam letting me borrow her computer while she's borrowing my bed tonight!
This past Thursday's Life Group (which was only my 2nd one) definitely wasn't my night. The teaching really didn't have much to do with me... but it made me so happy! I feel like this week has been my "relaxing time"; I'm preparing for what's about to come (which God has already told me is going to come). God is strengthening me up this week.
I know without a doubt battles are coming down the road, but until then, I'm going to enjoy the time off God has been giving me. I've needed this. God knows I have. I told Him so. : )
I believe I might have until Sunday... which would now be tomorrow. : /
But I could be wrong. I'm hoping I'm wrong. I need more time!
I'm way too sleepy to get into this. Kinda sucks cause I won't have a chance like this for another little while.
Good night/morning!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Story Of My Baptism
Yay for having a computer for a day! : )
Beach baptisms were awesome! While I was watching others get baptized in the ocean, I couldn't believe that I was one of them two years ago! That was the last time I actually went in the ocean. More than I am afraid of being in the ocean, I'm pretty grossed out by being in it. That's why I'm so surprised that I got baptized in it!
Now that I'm already talking about it, I feel like sharing my story of my baptism.
I'll start off by saying that July 15th, 2006 was one of the worst days of my life (yet good did came from it later... ). I had never been baptized before, but I wanted to really bad. When I was about 9 or 10, I remember asking my mom "Mom, when can I get baptized?".
So exactly one year later, July 15th, 2007, I had only been going to The Vine for a month and a half, and they were having Baptisms at the Beach that day. I hardly knew people, and my dad had just gotten back from a 3-week trip to Greece, so I didn't plan on going to the baptisms... plus I hated the beach at the time... Though I did want to get baptized on that specific day.
Well, after my youth group service ended, I was sitting in front of the church waiting for my dad to pick me up when one of my friends/former youth leader called me, asking me if I wanted to go to the beach baptisms.
So I ended up going.
Though I didn't like the beach, I was happy to be with the few people I did know, instead of being at home remembering the horrible day I had exactly one year ago that day.
I'm not sure how, but even though I was still afraid to do it, Pastor Danny convinced me to get baptized. Three people baptized me: Marty (who was one of the few friends I had at The Vine), Robert Norris (who was my youth pastor I happened to know before I found out he was a pastor ; ), and Pastor Danny Furukawa (who had been helping me with a few things that summer). So not only did I ignore my fear of the ocean and get baptized on the day I wanted to, but the three people who did it were meaningful people to me!
And that's the story. : )
I had one of the best days of my life exactly one year after I had one of the worst days of my life. What a perfect day to be baptized.
Thanks for not getting me baptized earlier, Mom. ; )
I totally wasn't planning on telling my story. I had other other thoughts I was going to post, but my mind got distracted by it.
Tomorrow is July 15th! It's been two years!!!
Beach baptisms were awesome! While I was watching others get baptized in the ocean, I couldn't believe that I was one of them two years ago! That was the last time I actually went in the ocean. More than I am afraid of being in the ocean, I'm pretty grossed out by being in it. That's why I'm so surprised that I got baptized in it!
Now that I'm already talking about it, I feel like sharing my story of my baptism.
I'll start off by saying that July 15th, 2006 was one of the worst days of my life (yet good did came from it later... ). I had never been baptized before, but I wanted to really bad. When I was about 9 or 10, I remember asking my mom "Mom, when can I get baptized?".
So exactly one year later, July 15th, 2007, I had only been going to The Vine for a month and a half, and they were having Baptisms at the Beach that day. I hardly knew people, and my dad had just gotten back from a 3-week trip to Greece, so I didn't plan on going to the baptisms... plus I hated the beach at the time... Though I did want to get baptized on that specific day.
Well, after my youth group service ended, I was sitting in front of the church waiting for my dad to pick me up when one of my friends/former youth leader called me, asking me if I wanted to go to the beach baptisms.
So I ended up going.
Though I didn't like the beach, I was happy to be with the few people I did know, instead of being at home remembering the horrible day I had exactly one year ago that day.
I'm not sure how, but even though I was still afraid to do it, Pastor Danny convinced me to get baptized. Three people baptized me: Marty (who was one of the few friends I had at The Vine), Robert Norris (who was my youth pastor I happened to know before I found out he was a pastor ; ), and Pastor Danny Furukawa (who had been helping me with a few things that summer). So not only did I ignore my fear of the ocean and get baptized on the day I wanted to, but the three people who did it were meaningful people to me!
And that's the story. : )
I had one of the best days of my life exactly one year after I had one of the worst days of my life. What a perfect day to be baptized.
Thanks for not getting me baptized earlier, Mom. ; )
I totally wasn't planning on telling my story. I had other other thoughts I was going to post, but my mind got distracted by it.
Tomorrow is July 15th! It's been two years!!!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
My Dream Last Night
Earlier today I went walking around Sonoma a bit. While I was walking, I remembered my dream last night:
Every time I hear this one song that reminds me of someone, I always stop what I'm doing to pray for that person. I figure it must remind me of them for a reason, right?
So last night in my dream, I heard that song come on, so I prayed for that person it reminded me of.
It's funny cause lately I've felt like giving up on praying for them. My prayers for them have really been "God, give me a new hope and a new motivation to keep praying."; I've just been so tired of praying lately.
So now all these funny, interesting little things keep happening that make me want to keep praying. Giving me new hope to keep praying. Last night's dream was a pretty funny one to have. God knows that one way to get my attention is through my dreams. Seriously. I always look really deep into my dreams to try to understand them.
So apparently... GOD WANTS ME TO KEEP PRAYING FOR THEM! DON'T GIVE UP JOHANNA! I've been praying for them for too long to give up now...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The Vine's Message
I have been wanting to blog all week! I haven't had a computer for over a week, but now I'm at work with my dad... and luckily there's a computer here.
Sunday night was incredibly strange. I went to Port Hueneme to visit my mom that day, and I was really disappointed that I didn't make it back in time for the message at The Vine. I only caught about the last 15 minutes of it. But even THAT was too powerful for me!
I got to The Vine not in such a great mood. Because I came in late, I stood in the back (which is annoying because I realize how easily distracted I get by being able to see every person in the room).
Right after the message and prayer ended, someone leaned over and said something to me that completely surprised me. Only God could have known what I was thinking that day, so only God could have known what I needed to hear. And yes... it really got to me. If I never came late, I wouldn't have heard it.
Anyway... I realize that every Sunday's message is more than I can handle. They're always so incredibly powerful, and I never go home without thinking about it for hours.
Sunday night was incredibly strange. I went to Port Hueneme to visit my mom that day, and I was really disappointed that I didn't make it back in time for the message at The Vine. I only caught about the last 15 minutes of it. But even THAT was too powerful for me!
I got to The Vine not in such a great mood. Because I came in late, I stood in the back (which is annoying because I realize how easily distracted I get by being able to see every person in the room).
Right after the message and prayer ended, someone leaned over and said something to me that completely surprised me. Only God could have known what I was thinking that day, so only God could have known what I needed to hear. And yes... it really got to me. If I never came late, I wouldn't have heard it.
Anyway... I realize that every Sunday's message is more than I can handle. They're always so incredibly powerful, and I never go home without thinking about it for hours.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
God's Plans Are Always Better...
Tonight was awesome. I had absolutely no plans on going bowling with everyone tonight, but God had a different idea.
There were a few reasons why I didn't want to go bowling tonight. A few days ago, I was sitting in the car telling God I didn't want to go, but if He wanted me to go, then I'll go.
So all day I had no plans on going. Then an hour before bowling, I got a facebook IM from someone, convincing me to go; I really had no good reason not to go.
All the reasons I had not to go were all basically shot down.
I have this whole theme of "fear" going on with me now, so I find it funny that a song from my favorite band came on; it was about not being afraid. : )
I had a great night, and I had plenty reminders of who God is. A lot of my prayers were answered tonight, and by the end of the night, I had no fear anymore.
So why does God do these things? Did He have me go simply just because He wanted me to listen to that song? Did He have me go just to make me smile and laugh? Did He have me go because there was a conversation with someone He wanted me to have? Did He have me go to use me for someone else somehow?
I doubt I'll ever know why He wanted me to go to this party... but I KNOW it was because of GOD that I ended up going.
He completely reminded me of what an amazing God He truly is tonight... maybe that's why He wanted me to go. : )
Well, I'm incredibly sleepy, and I have horrible "growing" pains.
Good night.
There were a few reasons why I didn't want to go bowling tonight. A few days ago, I was sitting in the car telling God I didn't want to go, but if He wanted me to go, then I'll go.
So all day I had no plans on going. Then an hour before bowling, I got a facebook IM from someone, convincing me to go; I really had no good reason not to go.
All the reasons I had not to go were all basically shot down.
I have this whole theme of "fear" going on with me now, so I find it funny that a song from my favorite band came on; it was about not being afraid. : )
I had a great night, and I had plenty reminders of who God is. A lot of my prayers were answered tonight, and by the end of the night, I had no fear anymore.
So why does God do these things? Did He have me go simply just because He wanted me to listen to that song? Did He have me go just to make me smile and laugh? Did He have me go because there was a conversation with someone He wanted me to have? Did He have me go to use me for someone else somehow?
I doubt I'll ever know why He wanted me to go to this party... but I KNOW it was because of GOD that I ended up going.
He completely reminded me of what an amazing God He truly is tonight... maybe that's why He wanted me to go. : )
Well, I'm incredibly sleepy, and I have horrible "growing" pains.
Good night.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Guys
You know what's really annoying me now? It's that I constantly have to look for guys to like. Unfortunately, I go looking for someone to like when I want to keep my mind distracted from other things. To make me feel better.
There were a few people that I liked a whole lot. (I think they all found out somehow at some point... unfortunately...)
I really have to stop liking so many people. I'm bound to get hurt or disappointed one day... though... I can't say I already haven't before.
(I don't want every guy to assume I like them just cause I'm saying all this though.)
It's just weird cause I don't like anyone right now. And I feel like I should cause I usually do.
I have to stop this! I'm free and I should be happy about it!
I have no crushes or anything right now. I should focus on God while it lasts.
There were a few people that I liked a whole lot. (I think they all found out somehow at some point... unfortunately...)
I really have to stop liking so many people. I'm bound to get hurt or disappointed one day... though... I can't say I already haven't before.
(I don't want every guy to assume I like them just cause I'm saying all this though.)
It's just weird cause I don't like anyone right now. And I feel like I should cause I usually do.
I have to stop this! I'm free and I should be happy about it!
I have no crushes or anything right now. I should focus on God while it lasts.
I Need Change
Okay, well, I've sure been learning a lot lately.
I think I'm desperate for change right now. I'm being held back because of memories; good and bad. Now the world is against me because I don't care enough to get out and learn more about it.
But really though, I've been looking at a lot of bad things about me lately. It's not a bad thing at all though, it's certainly waking me up to a lot of things. I'm being more careful about what I say, what I do, and how I act.
At first, when someone points out all the bad things about you, it does make you feel like garbage. But when you realize all those things are true... it's embarrassing, and you become desperate to change them.
That's exactly where I stand. All this time I've been telling myself "I don't need to be good enough for anyone, I don't care what anyone says about me", but honestly, I do care. It's okay to tell yourself this if you really are doing something right. But if you don't even feel like you're doing enough for yourself, it's possible that you really do just need to do better.
And to prove that I'm "not good enough", let me tell you what I do pretty much every day:
I wake up around 2pm, I stay in bed thinking for at least another hour, I go on myspace and facebook, SOMETIMES I go for two hour walk (and pray), I spend a little time with my family outside, I go to my room and think some more (or fall asleep again), I go on myspace and facebook, I SOMETIMES read my Bible, I go sit in the car to think and pray, I go on myspace and facebook, and I go to sleep... at 5am. Then I do the same thing the next day and through the whole week pretty much.
It sounds nice to those who work; sleep, take a walk, think, pray, read Bible, myspace, facebook, family...
But when this is the only thing going on in your life, when the most you have to look forward to every day is checking myspace or facebook, it's depressing and embarrassing. I hate when people ask me what I do during the day.
Believe it or not, I'd rather go hiking, camping, fishing, skating, walking, or bowling or something. I'd even rather be working somewhere. I hate being home.
But I don't want to have to depend on anyone anymore in order for me to have fun. I want my own life now.
See, I've been giving myself too many excuses for not trying harder (or even at all) to improve my life. No WONDER my Spiritual life has been boring lately: I'm not getting out and challenging myself around other people enough!
This time though, I'm on my own to change things. I am NOT easily motivated, so yes, I do need help from people.
But I guess this is one of those things that I just need to do without emotion. I'm so emotionally drained, that's probably why I'm not so afraid of change right now. I don't have the emotional energy or patience to be afraid of change.
Tonight I realized that I'm officially on my own to study for this GED. Even my help didn't have patience to help me anymore. I let too many people get in my way. I refuse to rely on anyone or anything other than my mind and whatever God has planned for me.
Anyway... I didn't mean for all this to sound so negative towards myself or anyone else. It's just the truth... and I've finally discovered it.
I gotta hold on to this truth and use it to change my life... otherwise... I'm pretty much screwed.
(See that? It's 5am and I'm still not in bed...)
Good night... or morning. : )
I think I'm desperate for change right now. I'm being held back because of memories; good and bad. Now the world is against me because I don't care enough to get out and learn more about it.
But really though, I've been looking at a lot of bad things about me lately. It's not a bad thing at all though, it's certainly waking me up to a lot of things. I'm being more careful about what I say, what I do, and how I act.
At first, when someone points out all the bad things about you, it does make you feel like garbage. But when you realize all those things are true... it's embarrassing, and you become desperate to change them.
That's exactly where I stand. All this time I've been telling myself "I don't need to be good enough for anyone, I don't care what anyone says about me", but honestly, I do care. It's okay to tell yourself this if you really are doing something right. But if you don't even feel like you're doing enough for yourself, it's possible that you really do just need to do better.
And to prove that I'm "not good enough", let me tell you what I do pretty much every day:
I wake up around 2pm, I stay in bed thinking for at least another hour, I go on myspace and facebook, SOMETIMES I go for two hour walk (and pray), I spend a little time with my family outside, I go to my room and think some more (or fall asleep again), I go on myspace and facebook, I SOMETIMES read my Bible, I go sit in the car to think and pray, I go on myspace and facebook, and I go to sleep... at 5am. Then I do the same thing the next day and through the whole week pretty much.
It sounds nice to those who work; sleep, take a walk, think, pray, read Bible, myspace, facebook, family...
But when this is the only thing going on in your life, when the most you have to look forward to every day is checking myspace or facebook, it's depressing and embarrassing. I hate when people ask me what I do during the day.
Believe it or not, I'd rather go hiking, camping, fishing, skating, walking, or bowling or something. I'd even rather be working somewhere. I hate being home.
But I don't want to have to depend on anyone anymore in order for me to have fun. I want my own life now.
See, I've been giving myself too many excuses for not trying harder (or even at all) to improve my life. No WONDER my Spiritual life has been boring lately: I'm not getting out and challenging myself around other people enough!
This time though, I'm on my own to change things. I am NOT easily motivated, so yes, I do need help from people.
But I guess this is one of those things that I just need to do without emotion. I'm so emotionally drained, that's probably why I'm not so afraid of change right now. I don't have the emotional energy or patience to be afraid of change.
Tonight I realized that I'm officially on my own to study for this GED. Even my help didn't have patience to help me anymore. I let too many people get in my way. I refuse to rely on anyone or anything other than my mind and whatever God has planned for me.
Anyway... I didn't mean for all this to sound so negative towards myself or anyone else. It's just the truth... and I've finally discovered it.
I gotta hold on to this truth and use it to change my life... otherwise... I'm pretty much screwed.
(See that? It's 5am and I'm still not in bed...)
Good night... or morning. : )
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Prayer Please
Alright... Whoever happens to read this, I ask for prayers.
I hate asking for prayer, because I feel like most of the people I ask will either forget or just not care to really pray for me when they say they will.
I feel so emotionally drained with so many different things. Emotionally, I've been having the hardest month.
2009 is nothing like I expected. If it's not worse than 2006, it's at least just as bad... and it's only JUNE.
This GED is the most annoying wall in my life. It's keeping me from things I want and need, yet I'm having a really hard time of climbing it so I can finally get it out of my life.
Family-wise, well, I'm tired of them pointing out this was wall to me constantly. But believe me... I'M COMPLETELY AWARE OF THIS GIANT WALL IN FRONT OF ME.
And every time I think someone's actually going to help me with it, they leave.
Holy crap, this is why I hate asking for help. What I ask for is never what I get.
Driving... Not having my license has never been more annoying to me than now. I've cut back on hanging out with friends and doing special things because I absolutely can't stand asking for rides anymore. Anywhere I go, whoever I hang out with, what time I hang out with them all depends on other people. But no matter how much this all bothers me, it's still not enough to get rid of my fear of driving... ridiculous.
Friends are strange. They're moving, changing, or I just don't hang out with or talk to some of them much anymore. Maybe it's even all of that at once for some of them. All I know is that it's been strange lately.
Family... Well... I think I'm growing more and more impatient with them with some things now.
Anyway; All of this is, without a doubt, weighing down and effecting my emotional, physical and Spiritual health in a bad way.
I pray for hours at night. I read my Bible during the day. I keep believing God WILL do something with my prayers and faith. I just don't know how much longer I have before I finally have some kind of peace.
Yeah, I know, this was a pretty negative post. I'm just really desperate for people's prayers now.
Please pray for me. That's the only help I ask for from you guys.
I hate asking for prayer, because I feel like most of the people I ask will either forget or just not care to really pray for me when they say they will.
I feel so emotionally drained with so many different things. Emotionally, I've been having the hardest month.
2009 is nothing like I expected. If it's not worse than 2006, it's at least just as bad... and it's only JUNE.
This GED is the most annoying wall in my life. It's keeping me from things I want and need, yet I'm having a really hard time of climbing it so I can finally get it out of my life.
Family-wise, well, I'm tired of them pointing out this was wall to me constantly. But believe me... I'M COMPLETELY AWARE OF THIS GIANT WALL IN FRONT OF ME.
And every time I think someone's actually going to help me with it, they leave.
Holy crap, this is why I hate asking for help. What I ask for is never what I get.
Driving... Not having my license has never been more annoying to me than now. I've cut back on hanging out with friends and doing special things because I absolutely can't stand asking for rides anymore. Anywhere I go, whoever I hang out with, what time I hang out with them all depends on other people. But no matter how much this all bothers me, it's still not enough to get rid of my fear of driving... ridiculous.
Friends are strange. They're moving, changing, or I just don't hang out with or talk to some of them much anymore. Maybe it's even all of that at once for some of them. All I know is that it's been strange lately.
Family... Well... I think I'm growing more and more impatient with them with some things now.
Anyway; All of this is, without a doubt, weighing down and effecting my emotional, physical and Spiritual health in a bad way.
I pray for hours at night. I read my Bible during the day. I keep believing God WILL do something with my prayers and faith. I just don't know how much longer I have before I finally have some kind of peace.
Yeah, I know, this was a pretty negative post. I'm just really desperate for people's prayers now.
Please pray for me. That's the only help I ask for from you guys.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Stupid "Add Friend" Button...
Ahh. I wish I waited. Time's up. Now how do I restart?
But this time isn't even close to as bad as the last time I didn't listen to God... and blew up His clock in front of His face.
What's done is done.
ANYWAY...
So I'm sitting here, trying to figure out why I'm so intimidated by people. I spent an HOUR last week, sitting in front of the computer screen, trying to decide if I was going to hit "Add Friend" for someone's Facebook. I couldn't do it.
A couple days later, I tried again.
... I still couldn't do it.
Here I am, once again, ready to hit "Add Friend" on Facebook... and yet I still can't seem to click the stupid button!
There's some people that I would love to get to sit down with and talk to. There's people I would like to get to know better. But for some reason, I can't seem to do it???
I'm going to attempt to click "Add Friend" again now...
Wow, I thought for sure I would succeed that time... FAIL.
What's wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to add just one person on Facebook?
People are intimidating... or I'm just pathetically afraid of everything and everyone.
Yeah, that last one sounds pretty much right...
I'm gonna try again. I will do it this time!
Kay, after 30 minutes of trying to decide again, I finally did it. I sent the friend request.
... And now I wish I could take it back...
Ah.
But this time isn't even close to as bad as the last time I didn't listen to God... and blew up His clock in front of His face.
What's done is done.
ANYWAY...
So I'm sitting here, trying to figure out why I'm so intimidated by people. I spent an HOUR last week, sitting in front of the computer screen, trying to decide if I was going to hit "Add Friend" for someone's Facebook. I couldn't do it.
A couple days later, I tried again.
... I still couldn't do it.
Here I am, once again, ready to hit "Add Friend" on Facebook... and yet I still can't seem to click the stupid button!
There's some people that I would love to get to sit down with and talk to. There's people I would like to get to know better. But for some reason, I can't seem to do it???
I'm going to attempt to click "Add Friend" again now...
Wow, I thought for sure I would succeed that time... FAIL.
What's wrong with me? Why is it so hard for me to add just one person on Facebook?
People are intimidating... or I'm just pathetically afraid of everything and everyone.
Yeah, that last one sounds pretty much right...
I'm gonna try again. I will do it this time!
Kay, after 30 minutes of trying to decide again, I finally did it. I sent the friend request.
... And now I wish I could take it back...
Ah.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Keep Waiting!
Johanna!!! You have to wait!!! Just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait just wait!
Waiting for answers is hard... but you gotta do it!
Don't let yourself think you know what's best when God is telling you something else!
Dreams are awesome. They sometimes give you advice.
Waiting for answers is hard... but you gotta do it!
Don't let yourself think you know what's best when God is telling you something else!
Dreams are awesome. They sometimes give you advice.
"Just wait..."
I think I've been learning how to wait more. For the past few weeks, I've been hearing nothing but "Just wait, just wait..." from God. And after a few mistakes of giving in, I've finally learned to "just wait".
Waiting is really hard, but waiting is the answer to problems sometimes.
I have managed to relate this to my fear of spiders...
Here's what I mean: I can't watch anything to do with spiders. If there's a movie or show on that has some kind of spider part, I have to close my eyes or else I'll think about it at night. If I close my eyes, I trust that whoever I'm with will let me know when it's safe to open my eyes. If I don't trust them, then I'll most likely open my eyes at the wrong time and scar myself for the night. God keeps His eyes open while ours are closed. God sees things when we can't. That's why we have to trust He knows the right time for everything.
"Hold on Johanna, just keep your eyes closed until I say it's safe to open them. I'm sure you don't want nightmares about spiders tonight."
When I don't trust that God's looking out for me when I can't see, I use my own judgment for when it's "safe" to do something.
But I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't make sense for me to make decisions when I can't see anything. God's my lookout. I just have to trust that when He says "Wait", it means "It's not safe yet". I have to trust the One who can see things I can't.
Anyway... God's waiting for me in the car. : )
Waiting is really hard, but waiting is the answer to problems sometimes.
I have managed to relate this to my fear of spiders...
Here's what I mean: I can't watch anything to do with spiders. If there's a movie or show on that has some kind of spider part, I have to close my eyes or else I'll think about it at night. If I close my eyes, I trust that whoever I'm with will let me know when it's safe to open my eyes. If I don't trust them, then I'll most likely open my eyes at the wrong time and scar myself for the night. God keeps His eyes open while ours are closed. God sees things when we can't. That's why we have to trust He knows the right time for everything.
"Hold on Johanna, just keep your eyes closed until I say it's safe to open them. I'm sure you don't want nightmares about spiders tonight."
When I don't trust that God's looking out for me when I can't see, I use my own judgment for when it's "safe" to do something.
But I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't make sense for me to make decisions when I can't see anything. God's my lookout. I just have to trust that when He says "Wait", it means "It's not safe yet". I have to trust the One who can see things I can't.
Anyway... God's waiting for me in the car. : )
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
My Dream Last Night
I have to post now before I forget the details of my dream last night.
Well first it started out that I had some kind of fight with my mom, so I went and hid in her RV to get away from everyone. It was night, so it was kinda scary. I remember seeing a sock on the floor.
So then the next part of my dream, I saw this pastor that I haven't seen in a while, and he gave me pictures he found of me when I got baptized. Then some friends came over and I told them a story about me calling in to the radio and the people thinking I was 9. And while I was telling my story, that same pastor started singing that "Michael Finnigan" song.
Now for the main part of my dream...
It was weird because I wasn't the main person in the dream. I was watching someone else, as if I was watching someone else's dream.
It started out with this girl (maybe in her 20's) who had a horrible accident: her house exploded while she was in it, but she survived. I saw the explosion happen.
I knew the girl was still living in fear from what happened to her. Next, I saw the girl at a gas station, and she saw her mom parked at the gas pump in front of her. I remember thinking "Poor girl. She's so afraid. What are the chances of a guy robbing her right now...".
Just then, this guy ran up to the girl and pulled a gun on her. He told her to get in the car, and don't drive away until her mom says "Mhm". Her mom was just pumping gas and didn't know all this was going on. She said "Mhm" as a goodbye to her daughter, and the girl and the guy with the gun started backing up slowly, and drove off.
Then I was at a wedding in the chapel of my old school. The bride and a bunch of people were figuring out important details about the wedding. The chapel looked pretty empty since people weren't really there yet. I walked in and was taking pictures of everything set up. Then more people started showing up, and the wedding was about to begin. The bride was on stage with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, smiling and waiting for the groom to come out. The audience was standing in front of the stage instead of sitting. While I was standing there, I looked diagonally to the right in front of me, and I saw that guy with the girl. He was holding on to her wrist so that she couldn't run away, and so that people couldn't tell anything was wrong. They were both dressed nice. Then the guy with the gun gave me some change; pennies, nickles and dimes, and then he yelled at the girl and took it back.
After the wedding, I walked into our backyard and sat by the pool. My sister was in the pool, and we started talking.
End of dream.
It was REALLY long and felt as real as a movie. I felt bad that I couldn't help the girl.
Well first it started out that I had some kind of fight with my mom, so I went and hid in her RV to get away from everyone. It was night, so it was kinda scary. I remember seeing a sock on the floor.
So then the next part of my dream, I saw this pastor that I haven't seen in a while, and he gave me pictures he found of me when I got baptized. Then some friends came over and I told them a story about me calling in to the radio and the people thinking I was 9. And while I was telling my story, that same pastor started singing that "Michael Finnigan" song.
Now for the main part of my dream...
It was weird because I wasn't the main person in the dream. I was watching someone else, as if I was watching someone else's dream.
It started out with this girl (maybe in her 20's) who had a horrible accident: her house exploded while she was in it, but she survived. I saw the explosion happen.
I knew the girl was still living in fear from what happened to her. Next, I saw the girl at a gas station, and she saw her mom parked at the gas pump in front of her. I remember thinking "Poor girl. She's so afraid. What are the chances of a guy robbing her right now...".
Just then, this guy ran up to the girl and pulled a gun on her. He told her to get in the car, and don't drive away until her mom says "Mhm". Her mom was just pumping gas and didn't know all this was going on. She said "Mhm" as a goodbye to her daughter, and the girl and the guy with the gun started backing up slowly, and drove off.
Then I was at a wedding in the chapel of my old school. The bride and a bunch of people were figuring out important details about the wedding. The chapel looked pretty empty since people weren't really there yet. I walked in and was taking pictures of everything set up. Then more people started showing up, and the wedding was about to begin. The bride was on stage with the bridesmaids and groomsmen, smiling and waiting for the groom to come out. The audience was standing in front of the stage instead of sitting. While I was standing there, I looked diagonally to the right in front of me, and I saw that guy with the girl. He was holding on to her wrist so that she couldn't run away, and so that people couldn't tell anything was wrong. They were both dressed nice. Then the guy with the gun gave me some change; pennies, nickles and dimes, and then he yelled at the girl and took it back.
After the wedding, I walked into our backyard and sat by the pool. My sister was in the pool, and we started talking.
End of dream.
It was REALLY long and felt as real as a movie. I felt bad that I couldn't help the girl.
Having It My Way
I've been learning an important lesson lately: Do WHAT God says, WHEN He says it.
I find that I lose a lot whenever I try to have my own way and don't listen to God. And the stupid thing about it is that I KNOW what the right thing to do is... sometimes.
Last week I told myself I wouldn't do something until God told me to do it. Eventually I got a little impatient without knowing it, and I tried making an excuse of why I had to do it right then. I basically said to God "God, I know I'm supposed to be waiting for Your timing to do this, but please understand why I HAVE to do it now! I need to! Please understand why I can't wait, God!"
I actually sat in the car and BEGGED God to "understand" why I had to have my way.
So I went ahead and had my own way.
Well, now I regret it. Waiting would have been a lot easier than what I put myself through. And the worst part was that I knew I really only had to wait one day. God was telling me to wait ONE DAY; not a week, not a month... ONE DAY. But I couldn't even wait that long. I HAD to have it my way right then.
A month ago, God told me to do something. I was too scared to do it though. It felt like it would be too hard. But I attempted to do it... and then I backed out and told God "I'm sorry, but I can't do it."
Now I'm paying for that mistake too.
Waiting is hard. But getting your way is even harder.
I'd like to finish this, but I'm in a hurry and really have to go.
Just learn from my mistakes and take my advice... DO WHAT GOD SAYS WHEN HE SAYS TO DO IT! Don't try to make excuses of why your way is "better".
I find that I lose a lot whenever I try to have my own way and don't listen to God. And the stupid thing about it is that I KNOW what the right thing to do is... sometimes.
Last week I told myself I wouldn't do something until God told me to do it. Eventually I got a little impatient without knowing it, and I tried making an excuse of why I had to do it right then. I basically said to God "God, I know I'm supposed to be waiting for Your timing to do this, but please understand why I HAVE to do it now! I need to! Please understand why I can't wait, God!"
I actually sat in the car and BEGGED God to "understand" why I had to have my way.
So I went ahead and had my own way.
Well, now I regret it. Waiting would have been a lot easier than what I put myself through. And the worst part was that I knew I really only had to wait one day. God was telling me to wait ONE DAY; not a week, not a month... ONE DAY. But I couldn't even wait that long. I HAD to have it my way right then.
A month ago, God told me to do something. I was too scared to do it though. It felt like it would be too hard. But I attempted to do it... and then I backed out and told God "I'm sorry, but I can't do it."
Now I'm paying for that mistake too.
Waiting is hard. But getting your way is even harder.
I'd like to finish this, but I'm in a hurry and really have to go.
Just learn from my mistakes and take my advice... DO WHAT GOD SAYS WHEN HE SAYS TO DO IT! Don't try to make excuses of why your way is "better".
Monday, June 1, 2009
After-Dark Prayer
Tonight's message at The Vine was amazing.
I love when the messages relate to me so much, that I sit there and have to try really hard not to laugh about it. SERIOUSLY.
Nearly EVERY week, I almost have to get up and walk out during the message because it relates to me so well that I start laughing.
And later at the after-dark, I felt the need to go off and pray. So I did. And it was peaceful, and nice, and everything I needed. After that, I really couldn't wait to get home and pray in the car.
So while I was praying in the car, God answered my prayer from earlier at the after-dark. : )
Well, last night I had an interesting dream. I don't remember all of it with great detail, but I do remember one specific part.
For some reason I was at a hospital. Not because something was wrong with me, I was just there.
I remember walking down a hall, and I passed by one of the hospital rooms. I noticed that I knew one of the people in the room, so I went in and asked her why she was there.
She said she was sick with something, but the doctors didn't know what it was. Though they did tell her she was probably going to be okay.
The weird thing is that I don't really know the lady. I only know her by giving her a bulletin when she walks in to the Vine. Makes me wonder what she might really be going through?
Anyway... I'm sleepy now. Good night.
I love when the messages relate to me so much, that I sit there and have to try really hard not to laugh about it. SERIOUSLY.
Nearly EVERY week, I almost have to get up and walk out during the message because it relates to me so well that I start laughing.
And later at the after-dark, I felt the need to go off and pray. So I did. And it was peaceful, and nice, and everything I needed. After that, I really couldn't wait to get home and pray in the car.
So while I was praying in the car, God answered my prayer from earlier at the after-dark. : )
Well, last night I had an interesting dream. I don't remember all of it with great detail, but I do remember one specific part.
For some reason I was at a hospital. Not because something was wrong with me, I was just there.
I remember walking down a hall, and I passed by one of the hospital rooms. I noticed that I knew one of the people in the room, so I went in and asked her why she was there.
She said she was sick with something, but the doctors didn't know what it was. Though they did tell her she was probably going to be okay.
The weird thing is that I don't really know the lady. I only know her by giving her a bulletin when she walks in to the Vine. Makes me wonder what she might really be going through?
Anyway... I'm sleepy now. Good night.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
When I Had A Bad Day
I have a feeling I'm going to be posting about two blogs per day... I just constantly have stuff on my mind that I like getting out. I shoud really go to sleep right now... but I'd rather do this.
Lately things have been pretty cool. God's been doing crazy little things. Monday I think it was, I had no peace that day. It was honestly just an annoying day to me. I've been praying for peace and for God to speak to me all week.
Monday night, I was about to read my Bible. The Bible I have is a study Bible that gives me verses to read every day, with a little paragraph at the top that talks about the verses you're about to read and relates it to your life.
So I read the day I was supposed to read: May 25th. As soon as I finished, I put my head down on my Bible and fell asleep. I missed a couple days of reading before this.
I woke up around 2:30am. I just lifted my head up with my Bible right in front of me still opened. I just stayed like that and thought a whole lot about things that were bothering me about my day.
Well, as I was thinking, I looked down at my Bible and I noticed a title of one of the days I missed... It was, "What To Do When You're Having A Bad Day"!
I'm not sure how it got there, but that's what the Bible was opened to. The day I missed was May 22nd, which was Friday, which I remember was a good day for me. So it was perfect timing for me to read it on Monday instead. So I read the little paragraph and the three chapters it gave me, and I felt A LOT better. Then I went and prayed in the car. : )
WHEN YOU ASK HIM TO, GOD WILL SPEAK TO YOU!
When you ask for peace, He will give it to you.
"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." ~ Matthew 7:7-8
: )
Because...
"...what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?" ~ Matthew 7:9
And...
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7
Go think. Go pray. Go believe in what He says He's gonna do.
Faith truly can move anything as big as a mountain. : )
Good nights. : )
Lately things have been pretty cool. God's been doing crazy little things. Monday I think it was, I had no peace that day. It was honestly just an annoying day to me. I've been praying for peace and for God to speak to me all week.
Monday night, I was about to read my Bible. The Bible I have is a study Bible that gives me verses to read every day, with a little paragraph at the top that talks about the verses you're about to read and relates it to your life.
So I read the day I was supposed to read: May 25th. As soon as I finished, I put my head down on my Bible and fell asleep. I missed a couple days of reading before this.
I woke up around 2:30am. I just lifted my head up with my Bible right in front of me still opened. I just stayed like that and thought a whole lot about things that were bothering me about my day.
Well, as I was thinking, I looked down at my Bible and I noticed a title of one of the days I missed... It was, "What To Do When You're Having A Bad Day"!
I'm not sure how it got there, but that's what the Bible was opened to. The day I missed was May 22nd, which was Friday, which I remember was a good day for me. So it was perfect timing for me to read it on Monday instead. So I read the little paragraph and the three chapters it gave me, and I felt A LOT better. Then I went and prayed in the car. : )
WHEN YOU ASK HIM TO, GOD WILL SPEAK TO YOU!
When you ask for peace, He will give it to you.
"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened." ~ Matthew 7:7-8
: )
Because...
"...what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?" ~ Matthew 7:9
And...
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7
Go think. Go pray. Go believe in what He says He's gonna do.
Faith truly can move anything as big as a mountain. : )
Good nights. : )
Saturday, May 30, 2009
"The light will set you free!"
I don't really know what to say. I'm at my mom's right now though, so it's pretty boring. She lives an hour away from everyone I know, so we don't leave the house that much.
A couple days ago though, I found out she's gonna move back into her condo on the beach just two minutes from her house. She's gonna rent her house out. That's incredible news for me... I miss the condo. It's just good news for a lot of reasons though.
Well, the night before last night, I had a pretty cool dream. Some of it kinda creeped me out... but the other part was cool.
The first part I remember was being in some kind of theatre or something; like where they play concerts; and there was this little kid, maybe two years old, who wouldn't stop crying. So I tried to get him to stop crying, but he wouldn't stop. It was in a creepy kind of way I can't explain.
Next, my brother (14 years old) was mad at me for something I'm not sure of, so he was chasing me; I think he was gonna try to beat me up or something. So I was running as fast as I could to get away from him. As I was running, everything was kind of shady because the sun was about to go down. Then I saw the sun and started running with as much energy as I had left toward the light. I was pushing myself hard not to give up running towards the light that was left. As I was running, I remember smiling, yelling "The light will set me free!" over and over again. I was running from darkness, but I knew once I caught up with the light that was slowly disappearing, I would be free from whatever was chasing me! Once I stepped into the light, I knew my brother (who in my dream basically symbolized evil in my life) couldn't chase me anymore and had to return to darkness. So with my last few steps, "darkness" still chasing me, I put my hands up and jumped into the light and screamed "I'm free! I'm free! The light has set me free! The darkness can't get me!". Then everything went really bright, and my dream ended... mostly due to getting a text haha. It was an AMAZING and meaningful dream to me.
I've realized though that a lot of my dreams have to do with light and darkness. The message has always been "Keep going until you find the light! Don't give up on the light!"; it's pretty incredible.
But as much as I love my dreams, I also fear them. I've had SO MANY dreams that have really come true, and most of them (if not all of them) were bad ones.
Some dreams (or nightmares) I had would take place in places I don't even visit anymore; but now... my mom is moving back into her condo... and those are one of the places I had a bad dream about. I wasn't expecting to ever go back there, but now it's actually going to happen. So I admit I'm kinda scared. But I'm not fully expecting my dream to come true. I'm just gonna be more aware.
I love dreams though. : )
A couple days ago though, I found out she's gonna move back into her condo on the beach just two minutes from her house. She's gonna rent her house out. That's incredible news for me... I miss the condo. It's just good news for a lot of reasons though.
Well, the night before last night, I had a pretty cool dream. Some of it kinda creeped me out... but the other part was cool.
The first part I remember was being in some kind of theatre or something; like where they play concerts; and there was this little kid, maybe two years old, who wouldn't stop crying. So I tried to get him to stop crying, but he wouldn't stop. It was in a creepy kind of way I can't explain.
Next, my brother (14 years old) was mad at me for something I'm not sure of, so he was chasing me; I think he was gonna try to beat me up or something. So I was running as fast as I could to get away from him. As I was running, everything was kind of shady because the sun was about to go down. Then I saw the sun and started running with as much energy as I had left toward the light. I was pushing myself hard not to give up running towards the light that was left. As I was running, I remember smiling, yelling "The light will set me free!" over and over again. I was running from darkness, but I knew once I caught up with the light that was slowly disappearing, I would be free from whatever was chasing me! Once I stepped into the light, I knew my brother (who in my dream basically symbolized evil in my life) couldn't chase me anymore and had to return to darkness. So with my last few steps, "darkness" still chasing me, I put my hands up and jumped into the light and screamed "I'm free! I'm free! The light has set me free! The darkness can't get me!". Then everything went really bright, and my dream ended... mostly due to getting a text haha. It was an AMAZING and meaningful dream to me.
I've realized though that a lot of my dreams have to do with light and darkness. The message has always been "Keep going until you find the light! Don't give up on the light!"; it's pretty incredible.
But as much as I love my dreams, I also fear them. I've had SO MANY dreams that have really come true, and most of them (if not all of them) were bad ones.
Some dreams (or nightmares) I had would take place in places I don't even visit anymore; but now... my mom is moving back into her condo... and those are one of the places I had a bad dream about. I wasn't expecting to ever go back there, but now it's actually going to happen. So I admit I'm kinda scared. But I'm not fully expecting my dream to come true. I'm just gonna be more aware.
I love dreams though. : )
First Post
Well to start this off, here's what this is all about...
Myspace is pretty much where I posted the most, but it seems people have kind of abandoned myspace now, and I'd just feel wrong for posting this stuff on Facebook... So I just decided to make another blogspot account for whatever I feel like saying.
I prefer blogspot anyway... I've been using it since like 2004 or 2005, so I'm familiar with it.
And the thing about using myspace is that it makes me kind of nervous. Not that I don't enjoy comments, it's just that because I know people won't really post comments on anything I post on blogspot, it makes me feel more comfortable to be a little more open and honest.
Plus, blogspot doesn't send out any kind of notification to anyone I know every time I post something.
And facebook... well that's just embarrassing. That place is WAY too public to post things on there.
None of this means I'm going to completely stop posting on myspace though. I'm not going to abandon my internet home like that.
So if you actually read my blogs on here, great; you know a little more about me then.
If you don't, that's awesome too... less intimidating for me.
Anyway... there's my first post for you.
Myspace is pretty much where I posted the most, but it seems people have kind of abandoned myspace now, and I'd just feel wrong for posting this stuff on Facebook... So I just decided to make another blogspot account for whatever I feel like saying.
I prefer blogspot anyway... I've been using it since like 2004 or 2005, so I'm familiar with it.
And the thing about using myspace is that it makes me kind of nervous. Not that I don't enjoy comments, it's just that because I know people won't really post comments on anything I post on blogspot, it makes me feel more comfortable to be a little more open and honest.
Plus, blogspot doesn't send out any kind of notification to anyone I know every time I post something.
And facebook... well that's just embarrassing. That place is WAY too public to post things on there.
None of this means I'm going to completely stop posting on myspace though. I'm not going to abandon my internet home like that.
So if you actually read my blogs on here, great; you know a little more about me then.
If you don't, that's awesome too... less intimidating for me.
Anyway... there's my first post for you.
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