A Past Worth Dwelling On

 I've come to realize that things can change very easily, very fast. This is a terrifying thing to realize for a person who doesn't like change very much. People have talked to me a whole lot on different subjects and areas of life, but not a single word they've said has ever compared to what I've learned through experience.

There are just some things in life that you can't explain to people. Some things that you can't teach. For me, I know my "single" relationship status was very difficult. And as many times as my married friends tried explaining to me why I should I see it as a good thing and make good use of it; "enjoy this season of singleness" (to put into exact words)... it just didn't make sense to me. It sounded like Japanese to me. Not once did I skip off into a field full of flowers saying "Oh, okay! That makes so much more sense to me than all my loneliness and desire for a life-partner!". Nope. What made sense to ME at the time was my struggle whenever I would go to a wedding and watch all the couples dance while I sat alone. Or whenever I would go onto facebook and see all the Valentine balloons and roses people would post on their facebook that they got from their significant other... That difficulty was so much more real to me than any advice people could have given to me at the time.

That's all not to say that being single is a bad thing... but that was MY reality and experience through my singleness. So "enjoy your singleness" sounded like Japanese compared to the loneliness that I felt most of the time (to be completely honest). Now... God's timing in the way that things have happened in my relationship life is a completely different story. A story that most likely people won't understand... why? Because they haven't experienced it in the same way that I have.

But anyway, since Clemente and I began our relationship (officially, anyway...), I have learned a lot. Not about him (though I have), but about why I should have taken more advantage of the time that I had while I was single (for different reasons than I was taught actually). It just didn't make sense to me until I experienced the change for myself.

A lot of things in my life will continue to change. But no matter what changes around me or in me, one thing has always been there... my own, personal history with God. Something so special to me that I can't forget it. Emotionally, the past few months have been very difficult. I'm struggling with the same things that I have always struggled with, just in different ways now. But I have learned that no sin, no struggle, no hurt and no change can EVER erase the history God made with me a long time ago. To be completely honest, that keeps me going more than anything. People's words of encouragement mean nothing to me compared to the history that I have with God. That reminder of our history is what motivates me to keep pushing, to keep fighting, to keep going. No one on Earth has ever filled a need like the need I had for God 6 and a half years ago.

Today God is making history in my life once again. Only I don't see it as history yet... I see it as an experience that is waiting to be blessed by the light at the other end of the tunnel. And once I see that light, things will make more sense again. I can look back and remember how God lead me out. I'm at a point in my life where I know I've been through way too much with God to ever leave Him... just like He never left me. So change can come, but change can't forget the past. And sin might come, but sin can't keep God from changing me. History can be used for so much good... but you have to be willing to accept it. History can't be made without change... even if it's difficult. At least, that has been MY experience in life.

Who Am I Trying To Please?

The past 5 months (or more) have been difficult. Incredibly discouraging. I have been caught between trying to please people, please myself, and please God. And who knew?... it's impossible to do all three at the same time! Have I been so foolish as to believe that it's possible to please God, myself and people all in one breath??

But thank God that He doesn't call us to do all three, but just one! Do we remember which one that is? Our actions tend to show that we believe it's pleasing others (ourselves included) before God... but really it's the other way around!

Here's the fault in trying to please people: People are greedy. You can hand them a million dollars and they'll always want more. You can spend an entire day with the person you love but you can both go home by the end of the day wanting more. You can get all the education in the world and have the greatest career, but people will always want more from you. More more more! That's what's expected from others and that's what's expected from ourselves! And because of all the preasure, we feel we need to EARN love! And we take that view to our God... who loves with NO CONDITIONS WHATSOEVER! Are we aware that His love already covered over every failure we'll ever have? His love is permanent! It's written in stone- you can't change it! You can't erase it! YOU CAN'T EARN IT!

So if that's who our God is- why do we run around tiring ourselves out to please everyone else, trying to earn their love? There is a difference between trying to keep peace with people and straight-up trying to grant everyone's wish! Loving someone does not mean you need to grant all their wishes. We are to take other people's NEEDS into our concern, but that does not mean we are to do everything they ask of us.

And then there's ourselves... It's funny because a lot of the things we do is to impress ourselves. Unless we are happy with ourselves, we are not happy. That is without a doubt the way I feel most times. Even if it doesn't apply to anyone else (but also make sure to check yourself before you deny it), it definitely applies to me. Unless I can impress myself, I am not happy. Unless I can impress someone else, I am not happy. And by the end of the day, I leave no room to receive God's love... love that is not moved by what I do or don't do.

God loves us. Not because of what we do, but because we were created in His image... a God who is perfect. We are HIS creation. We have no right to disown our worth just because we have failed someone else or ourselves... because we do not owe our life to anyone but to God. We were bought and forgiven by HIS blood, not by anyone else's. We don't even belong to ourselves... so our worth is not determined by anyone else but by God!

Psalm 139:14 says...

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I get a diploma or a degree."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I become a doctor."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I marry the 'right' person."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I make a lot of money each year."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I look like the person on TV."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I have a talent that gets an applause from people."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I am a strong person."

I am not "wonderfully made... as long as I am intelligent."

I AM WONDERFULLY MADE... PERIOD!

I would rather DIE trying to please God than LIVE trying please people!

MY worth, YOUR worth... does not depend on anyone else's opinions! I am no less than the millionaire in the mansion and I am no more than the homeless man on the street! Jesus himself had "no place to lay his head" (Luke 9:58)... yet He was the King of kings! He knew who he was and no one was able to take his power away just because they didn't believe in who he was!

I am not a disappointment because I don't please others. I am wonderful because I am made by God. He planned my life as well as He planned yours!

PERIOD.

 

Made New

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!"

 ~2 Corinthians 5:17

I get more excited about July 15th than any other day of the year. I count it MUCH MORE worthy of celebrating than my own birthday. July 15th, 2007 was the day that I surrendered my life completely to Christ through baptism. As July 15th gets closer and closer (and finally just a few days away now), I can't help but look back in my life and think about all that God has brought me through up to that very moment I was dunked under the ocean water. I will never forget those few seconds under water... they were the most relieving few seconds of my life; short, but long enough for me to look back and know exactly what was being washed away from my life. All my sin, all my shame... gone. It felt as if God threw it all into the ocean and told me "No more sin and shame, it's gone and lost forever.". All my sin, all my shame... never to be retrieved again. It's been washed away.

I admit though, it's been a challenge to live my life every day like I've been made new. There have been times where God has caught me swimming around trying to retrieve my sin and shame again and has had to correct me and bring me back. He's had to remind me that I've been made new; "Stop for searching for what I have already washed away and forgotten about..."

I've had to fight every day with prayer ever since that day on the beach. Prayer, in my life, has been more about fighting than it has been about miracles. When you give up on prayer because you haven't seen any "wonderful works", you cheat yourself of a lot of growth and healing. I made a decision on July 15th, 2007 to start a new life in Christ. To seek God whether or not anyone was standing with me. To pray for change whether or not I could see it happening. I can't explain how much that day has changed my life. And though sometimes I fail, I try my best to live every day like those few seconds under the ocean water... cleansed, made new and alive in Christ. Thankfully my new life in Christ doesn't depend on my memory... cause sometimes I forget that I've been made new. But God doesn't forget, and He certainly doesn't forget to remind me when I do forget.

Without a doubt, the day that I got baptized was the best day of my life. Not because it makes a good memory for me to keep, but because I get to live that day every day for the rest of my life because I walk with Christ. Now, whenever I get to witness others make the same decision I am filled with joy because I know that He is doing in them the same thing He's been doing in me!

And for anyone who is still deciding if they want to get baptized or not, know that there is no "perfect time" to get baptized. Don't wait until you "feel" ready! (I know I didn't feel ready...) You're not guaranteed "another time" to do it, so don't put it off! This is what the Bible says about being baptized...

"Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ."

When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart and said to Peter and the other apostles, "Brothers, what shall we do?"

Peter replied, "Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins. And you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit."

~Acts 2:36-38

I am so thankful to not have to walk this path alone. I have people walking with me and I had people pushing me to make my decision at the time. But God was with me before anyone... God was with me when no one else was. I have confidence that God will always be with me even when others aren't. That's where He found me, that's how I've come to love Him and trust in Him! He has seen every second of my life and has saved me! He is the reason I have my joy and peace today! : )

Don't Give Up...

Earlier today I was driving with my little brother (Peter) in the car. I had just picked him up from school and as we were driving back I told him I needed to go to the bank today. Being the 8-year-old that he is, he didn't like that. He started complaining saying "I don't want to go to the bank! Why do you always have to go to the bank? Why can't you go tomorrow?"... but... what he didn't know was that I was going to drop him off at home FIRST before I headed to the bank. But his heart was so set on complaining about it that I made him go to the bank with me. From the point that he realized I was serious about driving him to the bank with me, to the point that we got there, to the point that we drove home... he didn't complain a single time about it again.

The funny thing about teaching kids a lesson is that the lesson is not only for them, but it's for you. In my pride of success that I taught Peter a lesson about complaining, God convicted me that the lesson also applied to me.

How many times do we complain about where God is or isn't taking us? We complain about our destination before we even get there. Before we even KNOW what the destination is. It's understandable that our journey is painful and extremely inconvient for us at times, but if we even knew where God planned on taking us we wouldn't be complaining as much as we do. Maybe even at all. It's like when you take a roadtrip to somewhere you can't wait to be. But along the way, you get stuck in really bad traffic. Finally you arrive at your destination and have this amazing-filled day. Is the traffic really going to matter to you at that point? After having one of the best days of your life, are you really going to dwell on the detail of the traffic you hit earlier that day?

Our life is like a roadtrip... and sometimes you're going to hit really bad traffic. But God promises us that there will be a time and place where that "traffic" you hit along the way won't matter anymore. When we arrive, standing before God, He's not going to judge us according to the things that happened in our life, but how we lived through those things. In this life, we'll face trials, temptations, difficulties, hardships, tragedies... but there will be a destination ahead where none of those things will matter anymore. Let's save ourselves the time we spend complaining about the journey and instead take joy in the plans God has for us ahead. We need to learn how to wait patiently in the back seat and trust that God knows the plans He has for us... we don't. We tend to live life acting as if our current situation is God's destination for us. But there is more to come that we don't know about yet.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

~Jeremiah 29:11

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

~James 1:2-4

I am speaking to myself just as much (or more than) anyone else who reads this. God just revealed to me that I need to stop complaining about my journey and trust His plans for me. 

With all that said, do not become too prideful in thinking that you don't need God's help to get you through this journey. He is with us, He is behind us, He is ahead of us. There is no part of your journey that He does not know about or know how to handle. Do not give up on your journey because you have NO IDEA what God has for you in the future. Continue seeking to do your best with the strength that God provides. He will prove to you, whether now or later, that knowing Him is worth it all. Walking with Him through this life, this "traffic", will not even compare to the plans He has for you in the future. Do not give up on your journey. There are blessings ahead.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

~Galatians 6:9

"It is better, if it is God's will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil."

~1 Peter 3:17

"But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

~1 Peter 4:13

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

~1 Peter 5:10-11

 

God Is Interested...

One thing I've leanred is how important it is to be completely open with God. To talk to Him as if He knows nothing about you (but also remembering that He knows you better than you know yourself).

For me personally, I enjoy listening to people as if I don't already know a lot about them. When they tell me a story they've already told me five times before, I don't interrupt them and say "Yeah I know, you told me this before..."; I just sit there and listen as if I've never heard it before. I listen because I know they wouldn't be repeating the same thing over and over again if it didn't have some kind of importance or significance to them.

I find it interesting that people have something in them that allows them to enjoy things they already know the outcome of. Movies for example... most people can watch the same movie several times and still find interest in it each time as if they havd never seen it before. For me personally, I can watch the same episode of Three's Company over and over again and STILL laugh the same amount every time as if I had never seen that episode before. Why are we like this? Why do we have never-ending interest in things? In people? In life?

I believe it comes from the fact that we were in created in God's image. I believe that God has that never-ending interest in our lives- even though He knows the outcome. He can watch us make the same mistakes over and over again, hear us cry about the same things and pray the same prayers, yet still find extreme interest in us... How? Why? Because of something we tend to "know" but don't fully understand... His never-ending LOVE for us.

Sometimes I wonder what God thinks of us when we hold back from sharing things with Him just because we tell ourselves "Oh, God already knows...".

If I were to be talking to someone I know really well and they always said "We've already talked about this before, let's talk about something else..." every time we met up, our relationship would get pretty boring. The fact is: close relationships have a lot of repetition. That happens when you're open with someone. You end up telling them things that they already know. So why do we put a restriction on how open we are with God? I'll be honest and say that there are many times I will tell God "God, my heart is hurting..." hesitantly; as if I'm imagining God sitting on a throne saying "Yeah, yeah, I know...". Yeah, He DOES know. But He's like a lot of relationships we have... He still wants to hear us. Relationships come from God after all! We love, we care, we listen, we laugh, we forgive... all because we were created by the God who does those same things!

About a week ago I was sitting on my bed right before I was about to go to sleep. My heart was heavy but I wasn't sure what to say. All of a sudden I started telling God about this dream I had the night before. I started going into detail about it as if God didn't already know about the dream. For a second I stopped and said, "Why am I telling you this? Of course you already know all about my dream...". But then I had this peace that kinda told me "Just keep going... I want to hear.", so I kept going into detail about my dream. The more I got into explaining it, God just started revealing things to me that I didn't understand before. It felt like such an overwhelming sense of peace that God was speaking to me as I was sharing something that He already knew. The more I shared what was on my heart, the more peace God gave me. By the time I had gone to sleep, I had a better understanding of things... just by telling Him about my ridiculous detailed dream that He already knew about.

I say all this to get down to this point... God wants to hear everything about us. He doesn't put a number on how many times we're allowed to share something with Him. He doesn't sit there and think "If she tells me this story one more time, I'm closing my ears to this woman..."... NO. He LISTENS to us with interest. He wants to hear what's on our heart even though He already knows.

With all that said though, He asks that we share the same interest in Him. We can ask something of Him and He will respond... but if He asks something of us... will WE respond? Do we desire to please God like He pleases us? He desires our hearts COMPLETELY but do we desire HIS???

I say this to encourage people to be open with God and to serve God. Tell Him everything... EVERYTHING. Don't hold back. Don't let the enemy fool you into thinking a one-way relationship is okay because you're content... but make it work both ways! Share your heart and let Him share His! Serve Him! Love Him! Submit to Him! He IS your Father after all...  : )

 

 

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

~Jeremiah 33:3

 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:6-7

"but God has surely listened and heard my voice in prayer. Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love frome me!"

~Psalm 66:19-20

 

Obedience

A few months ago I had asked God to change me and to help me forgive someone. It was a prayer I didn't think God would take me serious on, but He did. I'll explain more about that but first I want to talk about this past weekend.

 

This past weekend I went on the Vine retreat not expecting God to work on me. I went thinking I was only going to serve. On one of the nights (or day... my sense of time was all messed up over there...) Devi Titus gave a message about rebellion, and for the first time I realized I had it in me. God pounded on my heart with that message. And while everyone else was celebrating their freedom and breakthroughs, I just couldn't. Instead I prayed "don't let me stay the same..." over and over again. I was afraid that my conviction was only going to be a feeling instead of a reason to change. The last thing I wanted to do was to go home and "pick up where I left off" with things. I wanted to go home and start all over again.

 

Now to cover more about the first part I mentioned...

 

After I had asked God to change me, my little 8-year-old brother, Peter came to live with us. For the past few months I've felt like a mother. I get him up and ready, I take him to school, I pick him up, I feed him, I wash his clothes, I help him with his homework, I take him with me places, I make sure he showers... Basically, everything. Come to today, I was having a very difficult time with Peter. He wasn't listening to me and only kept mocking me. The more he rebelled, the more frustrated I got. Not even just frustrated, but actually hurt. Finally, I went to my bedroom and just cried. Not just because he wasn't listening to me (and hasn't been for the past few months...), but because I was reminded of how I treated my mom when I was a kid/teen. During my school days, I can honestly say most of the memories I had with my mom were of her yelling at me. Yelling at me to get out of bed, yelling at me to do my homework, yelling at me to go to bed... right down to even yelling at me to get in the car to go to school. Even with all her yelling though, I STILL never listened to her. I got in such a bad habit of never doing my homework and staying up all night that it finally caught up with me. Not only did I fail seventh grade, but I was asked not to come back to my school anymore because of my grades. (Yes, private schools do that...)

 

As of right now, I don't have an education higher than a 7th grade level. To be honest, I don't know if my education is even at THAT, considing I didn't pay attention in class or do my homework for the last two years of school. To sum all that up, disobedience basically ruined my education. I realize it's not too late to redeem my education, but that's beside my point.

 

I was broken by my disobedience through all these years. Not only toward my mom, but toward God. At the time I was a kid, I had no idea what my future would look like. My mom had an idea because she was better experienced. She knew the importance of school. I see it the same way with God... He KNOWS our future. I don't think He's stating it lightly when He says "I KNOW the plans I have for you..." (Jeremiah 29:11). He's giving us a reason to stay obedient to Him, to follow Him, and to trust in HIS understanding; not our own. (Proverbs 3:5)

 

Disobedience comes from selfishness. Disobedience comes when our focus is only on us. It's shutting out all other knowledge, all other wisdom, all other understanding, all other experience. It's focusing on "the cravings of our sinful nature", it's doing EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what Proverbs 3:5 says and it's leaning ONLY on our own understanding! For if we had even the slightest understanding of the future that God has for us, we wouldn't do the stupid things we do! We disobey because we don't understand. We don't understand God's plans and we don't understand the consequences disobedience leads to. So this is what it comes down to... TRUST. TRUST in the Lord with all your heart! (Proverbs 3:5)

 

I can't disobey everything my mom says if I truly trust her. Peter can't disobey everything I say if he truly trusts me. I wouldn't DARE disobey God if I truly trusted Him and the plans He has for me! Rebellion is pretty much coming to face with a truth or an order and rejecting it; simply because we don't understand the depth of its importance.

 

God has so much to work on in me, but I guess the best way to start is by revealing and getting rid of the things that will keep me from learning and being changed. I don't want to "have it my way" anymore, because apparently my way leads to no good. I either trust in Him or prepare to suffer the consequences that my sinful cravings will lead me to. I don't know what that looks like yet, but if God revealed this much, I'm sure He won't leave me in the dark now...

 

Not only have I learned all this, but I have learned that if I expect Peter to be obedient, I have to be an example and be obedient too. What a humbling lesson to learn...

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I can't help but wonder why I live every day. To be honest, if I didn't believe in God, I would have taken my own life when I was 16 And even since then I've considered it a few times. But something someone told me when I was 16 stuck with me... They told me that suicide is selfish. You're hurting the people around you because of a choice you make. But suicide is a sensitive subject so I'll stop there and make my point...

The reason we were given life is to give ALL glory to God. That WHATEVER we do, we do for God.

"everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

~Isaiah 43:7

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

~1 Corinthians 10:31

So with that said; my reason for living is for God. It would be selfish of me to think that I'm living for any other reason... especially for myself.

And then there's the fact that I am always reminded of how much God is in control. Life is crazy... but God is in control no matter what.